Color Me Crazy

Hi there! I would be remiss if I did not explain my extended absence from the blog. You see, I’ve been incarcerated. Not for killing someone (though this was closer to being a reality than I’m really comfortable with), but for another grave error in judgment. Apparently, deciding that I would be an auditor in Lagos was essentially me signing up for a sweet helping of indentured servitude. Sixteen hours a day. Every day (yep, even on my CD days). For five weeks. Locked up in a hotel with a tiny little prison cell window. WOE IS ME!!!

Anyhow, I’m free now (FREE AT LAST!) so back to regularly scheduled programming.
There’s many strange things I’ve observed since I’ve been back. Little oddities and peculiarities that I’m not certain existed before I left (or perhaps I was too deeply ensconced in my little cocoon to have noticed). I shall share them with you now and invite you to continue the list with your observations.

Men holding hands: I just…I don’t even know what to say about this one. I’m talking grown-butt men holding hands and swinging them as they walk down the street to lunch. I’m talking big, burly dudes, macho African males types with fingers intertwined skipping merrily down the lane. My favorite part of this phenomenon is seeing the uninitiated, newly-returned-from-the-West male unwittingly dragged into this mess, all the while trying unsuccessfully to mask his vaguely homophobic horror.

Men with long fingernails: It’s never all the fingers either -- just one long, gnarled, dirty, gross, vomit-inducing fingernail. Last week, when I was finally fed up of seeing this affront to all human sensibilities, I called a co-worker aside and asked him why. He responded that he just hadn’t happened upon a nail cutter lately. I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said no. I then asked him to consider whether keeping that one long fingernail was worth the sacrifice.

“How was the night?”: But what’s happened to a simple “Good morning, how are you?” It seems that at some point, everyone got together and decided that instead of just hoping I have a good day, they instead would rather inquire into my nocturnal activities. The very next time I am asked this, I am going to respond with a simple, “My night was mostly disappointing actually. My lover performed rather unsatisfactorily and has left me feeling rather bereft. Thank you so much for asking!” You know, just to see what happens.

“Phaffing” and “Knacking teeth”: So from what I’ve gathered, ‘phaffing” just means messing about and doing absolutamente nada, especially at a time when you should absolutely be doing something else. “Knacking teeth” seems to refer to talking for the sake of it, without anyone paying particular attention to the drivel falling out of your face-hole. I can’t go off for too long on these two because I’ve actually become quite partial to both of them. So I shall stop knocking teeth on this point and move right along.

Car Horns: Someone once told me that you can drive in Lagos without brakes, without a clutch, hell, without an accelerator, but if your car horn isn’t working, it’s best to go and park that crapbox because you WILL get dead. Drivers in Lagos believe that rearview mirrors are purely decorative, merely there for okada drivers to break off at will. As such, you can expect at least 42 cars to unceremoniously swerve into your lane on any given road and God help you if you haven’t got a functioning horn to alert them to your presence. They will not hesitate to yell out of their window, “Madam, you no sabi horn?? Abi you want make I jam your car?” Remarkable.

THE HEAT: I’m sorry – say what you will about global warming – it was NOT this hot in this city when I left. I walked from the stupid local government to the car today and I am now rubbing aloe vera and tea leaves on the nastiest sunburn I’ve sustained since orientation camp. WHAT GIVES? Al Gore was right, people!!! We’re all going to die on a melting ice-cap!!!!

There’s loads more bizarre idiosyncrasies but I shall stop here before I start to question the sanity of my people (might be a little late for that). On balance though, in a country with a list of flaws long as the Chrysler building is tall, it helps to have a few quirks that keep you giggling crazily to yourself throughout the day (not that I really needed an excuse to do that in the first place).