"Worry a little - A guy who's not intimidated by your fabulousity is one in a million..."

Ignore the title, it's not a rebuff of Isha's post - it's a fine-tuning . Isha, I feel you and agree with you for the most part. Some of my views are slightly different though. I wish I had time to really expound this post as much as I want to, but I need to post in time or never. :D Plus, I just realized that in 20 days, it'll be a YEAR since my last post! Can't let that atrocity happen!

PREAMBLE

So I just had this same discussion with someone last night. Her problem was Yoruba guys and how they want someone who will cower in their presence, who is nothing without them...y'know the whole OLORI-ORI (literally, owner of my head, my crown) me thing. She's right - for all Nigerians really. At least, as far as today's society goes.

Simple facts of life in today's world (particularly Nigeria):

1. Men are to be bread-winners. Men are wired to be a cover, a provider. That's why society says to the jobless man, "How will you take care of your wife?" It shakes its head in disapproval when the woman's taking care of the family (in the presence of a man).

2. Women "look up," men "look down." Men and women of the same age are offset. It's rooted in this fact: women develop faster than men - phsychologically, physiologically, socially and mentally. That's why many women marry older guys and many men marry younger women.

3. Per society, between a man and a woman, leadership in these developmental traits generally come with educational/material leadership. Consequently, a woman who's done her masters (in one HARD major) and is earning a high paying job is considered to have achieved a LOT more than a man of the same status. It's just what it is.

I assume y'all would agree with the facts.

THE KOKO

It's important to note that the whole intimidation thing really depends on the kind of guy. The ones you don't want (like the gold-diggerish one or the super-rich-just-want-you-for-pleasure one) obviously won't really send your achievements.

But we're talking about the one that you want. There are a few guys that have learnt not to be intimidated, but they're few and far between. Like Isha said, if you're objective enough, it's easy to see how the kind of guy you'd want to approach you is likely to be intimidated especially if he thinks you stack up too well against him - whether you agree or not.

For you, he's successful enough for you to be interested in him. In fact, chances are you believe he has the capacity to outperform his present self...and you...and that's part of why you like him.

For him, he's not successful enough to keep that interest or give you the life he wants for you. He also fears you'll be carried away by the 100 "more eligible" guys that are always blazing your phone.

For his own sake, he just needs to be able to impress you, afford to take you out or at the very least feel needed by you (financial or otherwise). Because that's how he's wired.

PEP

With all this said, I don't think it's so much about whether a woman is super-educated or she's making mad dough. I think it's more about the way she handles those things and carries herself.

So if you keep meeting guys who are intimidated by your significant achievements, you will definitely have to find a way to ensure they're not so all-up-in-his-face that he's too intimidated to come talk to/ hang out with you.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying downplay yours, but you NEED to give a brother a confidence boost. "Up-play" his own achievements. Find and magnify his other strengths that you admire. I mean, for many a guy, he must have expended 80% of his confidence to come and talk to you in the first place. LoL!

Obviously, Isha's aunt's carrying it too far to ask that a woman dumb-down. In fact, that's archaic thought; but she old, so we pardon her. But it's just what guys are. It's just what society is. So if you're super-educated and following that whole American "I'm young, fly, independent, grown, sexy, don't need a man," then be prepared to NOT have a decent man.

All I'm saying is this: In this game of dating/marriage, there are rules. And to be in the game, you MUST play by its rules.

My Next Post: Will address why you should give yourself some time and stop putting unnecessary pressure about single-ninity.

"Don't worry a guy who's not intimidated by your fabulousity will come around"

Long before I called Mother and told her I was ready to come home, she'd been luring me back to Nigeria by talking about all the amazing eligible bachelors in Lagos waiting to sweep me off my feet. This, of course, was not the reason I decided to move back. Oh, puh-lease, I coulda had whatever man I wanted in the US; I just didn't bother myself with petty things like ... dating/relationships. I moved back solely because I was interested in the career opportunities available for a young female Electrical Engineer, in Nigeria. *clears throat*. Now though, I think that because my job doesn't occupy enough of my time, I've been 'reflecting' and come to the realization that ... Mama lied! Ok, well not really; She didn't have the full picture. Plus, she's VERY happily married, and has been since last century; what would she know about the present 'dating industry'?

Anyway, I've been a bonafide Lagosian for the last 20 months, and I'm still waiting to be swept off my feet. I am not saying that this is the experience of all those who have moved back, but a good number of my 'returnee' friends are still single. I've been trying to understand the situation - there are many grey areas.

Initially, it was solely my fault - I wasn't getting out enough, not meeting enough people, not wearing enough makeup, always wearing flats instead of heels, not paying enough attention to my appearance, etc. The most shocking of these my alleged faults was that I always 'flaunted' my intelligence, and spoke proudly of my academic/professional/career achievements and aspirations. What?! That's a bad thing?! "Yes dear", replied an auntie on one occasion, "you're too manly - proud electrical engineer, with too many career expectations. Nice, responsible, deserving men would be intimidated and would stay away. They would feel like you don't need them". Oh, excuuuse me! So, what's a girl supposed to do? Play dumb because it'd make a man more comfortable. No, thank you. It's not that serious. (I resent that bit about being manly though - has she seen my jugs?!)

The average marriage age of Nigerian women is increasing. That's not a bad thing, from a feminist's P.O.V., since it's mostly because more women are becoming career oriented, and what not. But, we need to stop giving these phantom reasons for not dating. You are single because that's just what it is - You're single! In fact, you are probably lonely, and sometimes wishing there was someone to call and talk with after a long day, or share that box of pizza with. I don't understand how the woman who's chatting with a friend on her BB-bought-by-Mugu1, with BIS-paid-for-by-Mugu2 can talk about a guy who's intimidated by her successes.

Maybe I need to spend some money and do some 'restructuring' in my closet. I definitely know that I need to get out more. I acknowledge that there are some things with respect to my lifestyle that I can do differently, to 'expose' myself to dating opportunities. I'm just confused about the whole intimidation thing. It's in two parts I.M.O.:

1. I think it's just clear that someone who's not comfortable with a woman's assertive personality (if that is what she has) is obviously not the one for her. Simple.
   
   
   
2. It's an unfair generalization for a woman to say that men don't approach her because they're intimidated. It may be that she has a terrible B.O., for example. *snickers*
   

In preaching equality of the sexes, it also follows, in my understanding, that if a woman doesn't stand to be intimidated by a man's successes, women shouldn't make this a poster-board situation either. I anticipate a lot of disagreement on this issue, because arguments can be made with respect to the man being ordained as the head of the marital relationship, the man's ego, etc. Women don't have egos? They don't have a solid position in the marital relationship?

It may seem like I'm bashing the sisterhood, but we sometimes need to be objective. Yes, there are men who avoid women with more successful careers. There are also women who need to get off their high horses. Makes sense?

(I could use some plantain chips right now...)