Arrive early: This may seem counter-intuitive, but when the rest of your team gets in to work, they assume you’ve already been working for hours and got the majority of your work done in the wee hours, and were not in fact, catching up on your favorite blogs and posting witticisms to Twitter
Spreadsheets: Despite what you heard, they are your friend. Find the busiest, craziest looking spreadsheet you can (download one off the internet if you must) and have it open on your computer at all times. When someone walks by, furrow your eyebrows, sigh deeply, and type in a new formula
Circulate: Always have a stack of papers, files and folders handy, sitting in a scattered mess on your desk. Every hour or so, gather up these files and rush about the hallways. Stop by a few people’s desks and stop to chat for a few minutes (more like forty-five) about how difficult your day has been. In the hours you’ve been wasting since you got to work, you should have come up with a pretty good story about a bitchy client, a troublesome vendor or cantankerous manager to tell to all who will listen.
Lunch: Always be the first to go to lunch. This may seem counter-intuitive as well, but if you are the first one out (let’s say you leave at 1pm) and everyone else leaves later (say at 1:30), you get back before them (say at 2:15) and they have no idea you did not take a fifteen-minute lunch and get right back to your arduous spreadsheet instead of, say, going to get your nails done. Every so often, grab a coffee (or in Naij, a meatpie) for those seated around you. This will engender goodwill and is more likely to get you support should the poop ever hit the fan.
Coffee Breaks: Take many of them. Wander over to the breakroom, sighing heavily, pouring yourself a cuppa joe with great deliberation. When someone walks by, make a comment like “I don’t know how anyone handles this level of work without copious amounts of coffee. If I could have it somehow deposited intravenously into my bloodstream so I could never leave my desk, I would so sign up for that!” The advantage of this is that this person (and anyone else close by) knows just how dedicated you are, plus it may also lead to another elaborate time-wasting conversation about the intricacies of Intravenous Caffeine Injections (ICIs).
If you have a flexible office with no assigned seating, change your seat often. This way, if anyone has the ludicrous idea of assigning you any work, they have no idea where to find you.
If you’re in a client-service field, take your laptop with you to the bathroom. It may sound gross, but when your laptop is not on your desk but the rest of your things are, your colleagues assume you’re in an important meeting with the client, not updating your Twitter page in a bathroom stall, or ordering a hit in Mafia Wars. Make sure no one sees you entering or exiting or they’ll just think you’re a weirdo, and you want to blend in as seamlessly as possible.
Open up a blank Word document and begin work on your next blog post describing for your readers how you’ve spent your last few weeks at work (see above)
Keep your resume updated.
Spreadsheets: Despite what you heard, they are your friend. Find the busiest, craziest looking spreadsheet you can (download one off the internet if you must) and have it open on your computer at all times. When someone walks by, furrow your eyebrows, sigh deeply, and type in a new formula
Circulate: Always have a stack of papers, files and folders handy, sitting in a scattered mess on your desk. Every hour or so, gather up these files and rush about the hallways. Stop by a few people’s desks and stop to chat for a few minutes (more like forty-five) about how difficult your day has been. In the hours you’ve been wasting since you got to work, you should have come up with a pretty good story about a bitchy client, a troublesome vendor or cantankerous manager to tell to all who will listen.
Lunch: Always be the first to go to lunch. This may seem counter-intuitive as well, but if you are the first one out (let’s say you leave at 1pm) and everyone else leaves later (say at 1:30), you get back before them (say at 2:15) and they have no idea you did not take a fifteen-minute lunch and get right back to your arduous spreadsheet instead of, say, going to get your nails done. Every so often, grab a coffee (or in Naij, a meatpie) for those seated around you. This will engender goodwill and is more likely to get you support should the poop ever hit the fan.
Coffee Breaks: Take many of them. Wander over to the breakroom, sighing heavily, pouring yourself a cuppa joe with great deliberation. When someone walks by, make a comment like “I don’t know how anyone handles this level of work without copious amounts of coffee. If I could have it somehow deposited intravenously into my bloodstream so I could never leave my desk, I would so sign up for that!” The advantage of this is that this person (and anyone else close by) knows just how dedicated you are, plus it may also lead to another elaborate time-wasting conversation about the intricacies of Intravenous Caffeine Injections (ICIs).
If you have a flexible office with no assigned seating, change your seat often. This way, if anyone has the ludicrous idea of assigning you any work, they have no idea where to find you.
If you’re in a client-service field, take your laptop with you to the bathroom. It may sound gross, but when your laptop is not on your desk but the rest of your things are, your colleagues assume you’re in an important meeting with the client, not updating your Twitter page in a bathroom stall, or ordering a hit in Mafia Wars. Make sure no one sees you entering or exiting or they’ll just think you’re a weirdo, and you want to blend in as seamlessly as possible.
Open up a blank Word document and begin work on your next blog post describing for your readers how you’ve spent your last few weeks at work (see above)
Keep your resume updated.
