Do Something!

I just saw photos from my friend's Spring Break trip from Urbana-Champaign, IL to her home country of Sierra Leone. She took home some supplies for kids in a school there. You should see the looks on their faces. (http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.730300561664.2121171.200304693&type=1).

I know people who come home on holiday to spend money and show that they have 'hammered'; yet they'll be first to ridicule the Nigerian Government and blame them for poverty in this country. I am not a government advocate, just a simple citizen who believes that sometimes, 'even a sick man has to scratch his back by himself'.

While we are praying for Nigeria to be better, let's play our part and help out where we can. Join a Charity Organization (for e.g. http://www.facebook.com/thisishowwedoNG), donate to your alma mater, help provide mosquito nets for a small community, volunteer your services at after school programs, be a mentor and continue to fight against corruption and pray for peace in Nigeria.

So Help Us God!

Man - Category Alpha; Woman - Category 'Other'.

The following happened to a friend of mine this morning (It may be slightly tweaked):

(Crash! Bang! Gbao! Crunch! Someone hit her car - a man).


Her: "How are we going to take care of this without wasting a lot of time?"
Him_1: "I don't know why you women drive like this? Did you not see me coming?"
Her: (Shock) "WHAT?! You hit me from behind! Was I supposed to park when I saw you coming in my rear view mirror?!"
Him_1: "Yes! Since you obviously don't know how to drive. Who gave you a car anyway?"
Her: (Sarcastic laugh) "Wow. I thought I could have a sensible conversation with you. You have now proved to me that a suit and tie will not help a foolish man."
Him_1: "You have no home training. Is that how you were taught to talk to men..."
Him_2: (Aproko who saw this man and woman pointing fingers and talking angrily at each other, parked his car and  'joined the conversation') "Woman, how can you be talking to a man without respect like that?"
Her: "You can like to get in your car disappear. I don't see how this concerns you".
Him_2: "Oh, you are not even married. No wonder".

.
.
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What. The. Flip?!?!?!

So, having a husband would have taught her to be a door mat for all imbeciles? I know a man whose favorite trait in a woman is her ability to take care of herself, stand up for herself, and avoid being 'bullied'. If you are a strong independent woman, Naija men will frustrate you.

• One man will ask you what you are trying to prove by being an Electrical Engineer. He will advise you to consider other professions where 'girls are more comfortable'; "Just go and open a store, or get a job as a marketer and put your big yansh to good use".
• A man will 'cut' the queue at the bank, and scold you for 'talking to him like a boy' when you challenge him. And other men, and some women too, will scold you for being so disrespectful.
• A man will shake his head at you after you had to swerve past him because he was paying more attention to the girl in the passenger seat that he was feeling up, than the road; he will then go ahead to tag you the oh so derogatory term - 'Woman Driver'.
• One guy will summon you to help him make photocopies because 'Women are meant to pay more attention to these things'.
• A man will be given the position you have been working hard and long for, because 'he is a man'.
• 'That's why you are not married, you don't know how to talk to men. No man wants a woman that will be talking back at him'. Really? 

The list is endless as you can imagine. I'm tired. 

Ten Things I hate about you, Lagos

1. Traffic
2. Traffic caused by rain
3. Traffic caused by impatient so and so-s who think it's smart to fcae on-coming traffic to 'get ahead'
4. Traffic caused by law enforcement officials asking for 'Certificate of Approval of Dark Colored Paint', and other such foolishnesses.
5. NPF, LASTMA, and other area boys and girls
6. Why the hell am I payingthe equivalent of $100 for a dress that I know you bought from Primark or Ross or Burlington Coat factory
7. NEPA/PHCN, more like 'Useless' or 'Powerless' or 'GFN - Good for Nothing'
8. What will it freaking cost you to fix a road and get it right, THE FIRST TIME?!
9. You are soooo overrated.
10. Did I already mention traffic?

The 'What's Your Opinion' series - Office Romance

To do or not to do?

Is it inappropriate or unethical? Will it be boring? When is it acceptable - if you are in different departments?

Let's hear your opinion...

Tips for Lagos Living.

Here are a few tips that have helped me, one small way or another, to survive in Lagos. It's been two years since I moved back, so I guess I have been well schooled. I'm still learning sha. I figure these may be useful to a potential move-back-er too. Also, feel free to add your own tips in the comments section.

1. D.I.Y (Do It Yourself): The average Nigerian is looking for a JJC (Johnny Just Come - if you didn't know this, you need a proper Naija-fication) to take advantage of. And you know we like forming, especially when we have small money - you change jobs from an Okokomaiko-located one, to a VI-located one, and we won't hear word again. All of a sudden, Mama-Put disappears from your dictionary. Lol. (Don't mean to diss you if Okoko is your hood, consider it a figure of speech :D). Anyways, my point is, you can save a lot of money by doing some things yourself or making cheaper decisions. No one is going to stop talking to you because you were on an okada. In fact, the person that stops talking to you because you have an okada 'customer' is a goat. What I am saying is, bring your lunch from home once in a while (I went to drink/eat(?) some watery peppersoup at one upscale restaurant that other day for N1,500.00. My friend paid, but SMH). Buy your own relaxer and hair extensions at the market before going to the salon; the salon owners add shop rent and transport money to the one you buy from them. The examples are endless; I'm sure you get the gist. You are allowed to get a driver sha, just be sure to pay him well.
2. Lose the accent, Embrace razzness: Area boys can smell ajebota from miles away. A friend of mine suggested practising razzness in front of the mirror everyday. People will take advantage of you when you show them that you're 'not from around here'. Don't be alarmed though if you find out that people become spawns of Patrick Obahiagbon when you tell them that you studied abroad - "Why have you refused to remove the currency from where it is being trampled upon?" Na 50 pa wey dey ground Oh. D tin don tear sef. i con tink an tink an sey wetin bros e de Obahiagbon about? (Eko no dey carry last. Lol. In the words of the owner of this blog: Don't. Waste. English.)
3. Plan for more than one source of income: A side hustle, a small business venture, a mutual fund, an investment;  whatever it is sha, make sure it's legal. Companies are somewhat unstable in the Nigerian society. Many people are complaining that their companies don't have money to pay salaries. While this doesn't happen across the board, a safety blanket is NEVER a bad thing.
4. Bring a little of your old life into your new life: a). Clothes, Shoes, etc - except you are not a Primark/Old Navy/Outlet Mall shopper like me, and you don't mind spending N 30,000.00 ($200 or £120) on a good pair of jeans (There are cheaper alternatives, have no fear); b) Your favorite appliances - blender, hair styling equipment, etc; c)A Fall jacket/pullover, Hamarttan dey get as e be for these zones o. In fact, if you will be in the North, just bring your Winter coat. There must be at least one Nigerian car-shipper in your area. Depending on how much time you have, you can send the things you won't need for a while through them. It's not an Under-G arrangement, some of them run actual shipping outfits, so it's legit.
5. Start job-hunting before you move back: Connections rule Nigeria; use the ones you have. Recruiters tell you that they make selections based on merit, but don't be surprised to find out that the person sitting next to you in the interview hall didn't even write the pre-selection test; Her uncle's best-man is the second-cousin to the niece of the GM's PA. When you get in, you will do everything in your power to show your employer that even if you wrote the test, they would have selected you.
6. Bring your boyfriend: Guys need not worry about bringing their girlfriends. The market is already more competitive than it should be. If you bring her here and you don't marry her, you don cause wahala be dat.
7. Each day, ask God for more patience than He gave you the day before, you'll need all the patience you can come across. If your blood too dey hot, Naija go make you hug transformer. 

I hope that with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince you and not to confuse you, that farming is better than brick-laying. Thank you. (Key in 'skirt-brush curtsey')


:D!

To Live and Date in Lagos

My mother wants grandchildren. This has been made clear to me in no uncertain terms. She has five children, so she’s hedged her bets pretty well, but as I am the only one of her spawn to have recently taken up residence in Lagos, the onus has fallen upon my head to bear seed first. Why? Because Lagos is the land where people meet, marry and make babies in the span of a year. The streets of Lagos are paved with eligible men. They’re arriving by the boatload off the shores of Ember Creek. Lagos is the veritable marital Promised Land.

Or at least this is what they told me.

In the year I have been back in Lagos, I have found one thing to be true: it is impossible to date in Lagos. It is not difficult. It is not tricky. It is downright impossible. This is true for several reasons. First of all, even with a population of almost 20 million, Lagos is a smaller town than Coffeeville, Alabama (pop. 389). You cannot so much as smile at the cute guy by the bar without learning that he and your best friend were embroiled in a passionate, if brief, love affair that ended in a fantastical shouting match at your cousin’s wedding last December, or that he is actually your second cousin twice-removed.

Once you’ve managed to eliminate all your relatives (and the men who will obliterate life-long friendships) from your dating pool, you are left with a dazzling array of posers, slackers, felons, perverts, dimwits and sugar-daddies to choose from. The poser won’t talk to you; the slacker will try to get you to buy him a drink; the felon will probably get you arrested for unwittingly smuggling his cocaine across the border; the pervert will try to feel you up; the dimwit will bore you to tears and the sugar-daddy will manage to accomplish all of the above whilst simultaneously being the actual daddy of your college roommate.

In the very unlikely event that you are miraculously able to extract a potential mate from this motley crew, the very city of Lagos itself offers a giant wrench for your best-laid plans. There’s a joke that’s often told about a man who drops his girlfriend off at the international airport for her flight to London. By the time she calls him to say she’s landed safely at Heathrow and claimed her luggage, he’s still stuck in traffic at the Chevron roundabout battling his way back home to Ajah. Between the ridiculous work schedules and the mind-numbing traffic, romance does not stand a chance. In the time it takes you to fight your way from work through the horrific traffic to spend some quality time with your newest love, he has started dating the girl next door, just out of sheer convenience.

Finally, there’s the matter of the married man. Forget the old-school married man; creepy, crusty and old enough to have been schoolyard pals with your grandfather. You’re too smart to be taken in by that guy. The 21st Century has given us the new breed of married man; early 30s, good-looking, mature and married for just under six months. These are the men who conveniently deem jewelry “unmanly” so there is nary a wedding band in sight. These are the men who would like to eat their proverbial cake and have it too. You are in a full-blown, committed relationship with this man before one of your friends realizes that your new love is actually her brother-in-law. By the time you are able to delicately extricate yourself from the situation, you’ve already been branded The Other Woman, doomed to singledom forever.

Dating in Lagos is not quite the bed of roses I was promised. Honestly, It’s more like a minefield. It seems, sadly, that my mother will have to content herself with my empty, as-yet-fruitless womb for a little while longer.

Traffic Woes (2)

Time, t = 5mins

1. STOP!!! Didn't you see the No U-Turn sign? I said STOP! We will puncture your tire o.
2. GBAO!!! Where did that car come from?! I was only trying to dodge this LASTMA drama. Drat!

Time, t = 18mins

 None of the LASTMA officials has gone to help out with the accident yet. There's 'no money' in that situation. However, 'jay-walkers' have been 'captured'. (The pedestrian bridge is nowhere in sight, by the way.)

Time, t = 45mins

Accident 'victims' haven't resolved the situation yet because party at fault is a youth corper who does not have Vehicle Insurance. Spot one uninterested LASTMA official.