Ignore the title, it's not a rebuff of Isha's post - it's a fine-tuning . Isha, I feel you and agree with you for the most part. Some of my views are slightly different though. I wish I had time to really expound this post as much as I want to, but I need to post in time or never. :D Plus, I just realized that in 20 days, it'll be a YEAR since my last post! Can't let that atrocity happen!
PREAMBLE
So I just had this same discussion with someone last night. Her problem was Yoruba guys and how they want someone who will cower in their presence, who is nothing without them...y'know the whole OLORI-ORI (literally, owner of my head, my crown) me thing. She's right - for all Nigerians really. At least, as far as today's society goes.
Simple facts of life in today's world (particularly Nigeria):
1. Men are to be bread-winners. Men are wired to be a cover, a provider. That's why society says to the jobless man, "How will you take care of your wife?" It shakes its head in disapproval when the woman's taking care of the family (in the presence of a man).
2. Women "look up," men "look down." Men and women of the same age are offset. It's rooted in this fact: women develop faster than men - phsychologically, physiologically, socially and mentally. That's why many women marry older guys and many men marry younger women.
3. Per society, between a man and a woman, leadership in these developmental traits generally come with educational/material leadership. Consequently, a woman who's done her masters (in one HARD major) and is earning a high paying job is considered to have achieved a LOT more than a man of the same status. It's just what it is.
I assume y'all would agree with the facts.
THE KOKO
It's important to note that the whole intimidation thing really depends on the kind of guy. The ones you don't want (like the gold-diggerish one or the super-rich-just-want-you-for-pleasure one) obviously won't really send your achievements.
But we're talking about the one that you want. There are a few guys that have learnt not to be intimidated, but they're few and far between. Like Isha said, if you're objective enough, it's easy to see how the kind of guy you'd want to approach you is likely to be intimidated especially if he thinks you stack up too well against him - whether you agree or not.
For you, he's successful enough for you to be interested in him. In fact, chances are you believe he has the capacity to outperform his present self...and you...and that's part of why you like him.
For him, he's not successful enough to keep that interest or give you the life he wants for you. He also fears you'll be carried away by the 100 "more eligible" guys that are always blazing your phone.
For his own sake, he just needs to be able to impress you, afford to take you out or at the very least feel needed by you (financial or otherwise). Because that's how he's wired.
PEP
With all this said, I don't think it's so much about whether a woman is super-educated or she's making mad dough. I think it's more about the way she handles those things and carries herself.
So if you keep meeting guys who are intimidated by your significant achievements, you will definitely have to find a way to ensure they're not so all-up-in-his-face that he's too intimidated to come talk to/ hang out with you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying downplay yours, but you NEED to give a brother a confidence boost. "Up-play" his own achievements. Find and magnify his other strengths that you admire. I mean, for many a guy, he must have expended 80% of his confidence to come and talk to you in the first place. LoL!
Obviously, Isha's aunt's carrying it too far to ask that a woman dumb-down. In fact, that's archaic thought; but she old, so we pardon her. But it's just what guys are. It's just what society is. So if you're super-educated and following that whole American "I'm young, fly, independent, grown, sexy, don't need a man," then be prepared to NOT have a decent man.
All I'm saying is this: In this game of dating/marriage, there are rules. And to be in the game, you MUST play by its rules.
My Next Post: Will address why you should give yourself some time and stop putting unnecessary pressure about single-ninity.
7 response(s):
Hmmm...
I have a comment. While it's not an antagonistic one, if I say it the way it's in my head right now, I won't be too pleased. So gimme some time to stew over it, and ...
Welcome back. Took you long enough. Sheesh.
Good rebuttal. An interesting perspective different from the usual crap single, succesful women are spoonfed. While I mostly agree with you, what say you to this -- why do women have to do all the adapting? Why isn't today's man evolving in a way that recognizes that women are no longer all aprons and hair-curlers and daytime soap operas? Why are women the ones who have to stoop to conquer?
These are the rules of the game, but they're only the rules for as long as we accept them.
You're basically saying what Isha's aunt said, jsut jazzing it up. Dumb down - up-play same difference. Guys should grow some backbone.
@ Isha: Thank you. I welcome myself. Hehe. But please, no be fight o...just simply airing of views. Oya, talk your own.
@ SS: Remember men are slow anyway, that's why. LoL. But seriously, you're right, men should begin to wake up; it's just that women are much more emotionally intelligent.
@ Myne: Change comes with frequent jazzing up/ modifying. It'll eventually change - think LPs to Laser Discs to Compact Discs...we'll get there. :D
Smart people !!
A couple of things: old people are wise, they've been there done that albeit in another time but don't disregard their wisdom. So Isha's aunt might be right or wrong but she's wise.
Men and women are wired differently and that makes this issue more difficult.
The other comments have covered what I wanted to say initially, without the angst... Lol.
This is not even about gender equality or feminism. Think 'humanism' - if there's any such thing. This is maybe a far-out illustration, but think about a slave whose abilities/strengths are surpressed because he/she has to be subject to the master.
I agree with almost everything you said...however...i believe women should continue to achieve more than is expected of them. Whether or not she makes more money than her significant other is not relevant, it is the support both individuals have for each other than counts. If he is intimidated by her success, then it won't work.
Just a note to men: Times are changing. Rules are changing. Just a few days ago, I overhead one guy congratulating another guy on getting engaged to a Medical Student. He said "ride that gravy train bro."
Men can up-play too.
Post a Comment