Cha-ching, No Scrubs Allowed

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

This is the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and it pretty much sums up the entire plot. In real terms, the reverse is true. The female characters in the book are concerned with the pursuit and acquisition of “single men in possession of a good fortune”. This was nineteenth-century English society. A single woman's options were quite limited so it would make sense that she would be desperate for a husband that could offer some social advantage.

Isn't it funny that in our own society today, even after the feminist movement, Jane Austen's words still hold true? People are very focused on money. Men have to be be affluent if they ever hope to get married which is why most men have this “I can't get married because I’m not rich” attitude. I am by no means saying that people should not be concerned about finances when looking at a potential life partner but I think people really miss the point of marriage and relationships.

Let's take it out of the context of marriage and talk about the dating scene (boyfriend/girlfriend). I actually feel a little sorry for Nigerian guys. I remember having a conversation with a friend and he was complaining about how he was too broke to afford a girlfriend. I was like "What is this dude talking about?". He went on to explain that there were too many expenses that came with 'toasting' a girl. Money for cinema trips, money for lunch and dinner, money in case she brings her friends, money for fuel to take her on miscellaneous errands and the one that always baffles me...money for her HAIR!

First of all. Who are these women and don't they have jobs? I originally assumed it was just a situation unique to dating a university girl but apparently not. It must be terrible for a brother in this age of 'Brazilian' hair. He's probably looking at spending 77k plus the 3500 it takes to fix the weave. I find it rather unfortunate. Why should my man be saddled with the responsibility of making sure my hair looks hot?

Now on to the car. If you are a Naija guy trying to get a girlfriend and you have no car, my heart goes out to you. Your options are pretty limited. I understand this to a certain extent because of the way Lagos is structured. The transportation system is appalling and getting around is generally frustrating with the traffic and all. Its easier to date a girl if you can pick her up and take her back to her house when your date is over. Ain't nobody tryna get public transport after 10pm! I however do not think that women should use their boyfriend’s car as an on-call taxi service for she and her friends.

So lets say you are dating a girl and you take her out for a meal. It is only in a Nollywood movie that a guy can get away with taking his date to TFC and Mr Biggs. Its going to have to be somewhere swanky and you are paying for the whole shebang...eyah poor you (lol). A guy paying for dinner still makes more sense to me than the hair issue.

I guess the point of all this is simply “Isn't it just polite to offer to pay half the bill when you go out for dinner with a guy?” Or am I the one who is weird? I went out for lunch with a friend last week and although it wasn't a date he paid for the food. Then we got to the cinema and I brought out money to pay for the tickets and he said "what are you doing?!" To which I simply replied "Paying for the tickets". He was impressed that I wanted to pay for something but really, what's there to be impressed by? In my opinion it is just the decent thing to do. Relationships irrespective of whether they are romantic or not should be symbiotic. If the other person insists on paying then fine but it should not be automatically expected. One must not aim to be a ‘taker’ all the time.

Women have more options now and some women earn more money than their male counterparts. I think it gives men permission to treat a woman badly if she is always seen to be asking for financial support especially when you are not even married. Forget about the stay-at-home mom, THAT IS A JOB! But generally if a person is contributing all the money in a marriage then it gives said person the controlling power. Lets say you reach an impasse during a discussion about which school your kid is going to attend or some other important decision, the phrase “Is it your money?’ comes to mind.

Anyway most of these women know there are guys who would never stand for it so they target the mugu who doesn’t mind having a liability on his arm. I think it is pretty selfish for a woman to be dating a guy with the same salary grade and then burden him with the responsibility of paying for everything. If it is an aristo (sugar daddy) situation then yes…I guess that’s what the deal is. I accept that in the Nigerian culture, the man is seen to be the provider and thus responsible for a lot more. A man may feel like he is not a ‘real man’ if his wife is constantly trying to contribute financially. However, some ladies really need to stop taking the piss and pay for your own damn hair!

Please I would really appreciate some feedback on this in case I am the one who needs to get with the programme. Sorry about being MIA for so long.

Disclaimer: To my future husband. You are not allowed to hold this as evidence against me. Your money is OUR money and my money is MY money. I will contribute some and promise not to spend yours on designer handbags. Got it?

Sounds of Silence

Love that song by Simon and Garfunkel. It's like 10.00 at night and its dead quiet outside. NEPA just got turned back on in my neighborhood so there is not a sound from a single generator. Strangely also, there are no horns going off and no huge trucks passing by. There is no ruckus going on outside from the people who normally chose to have night time arguments directly outside my house....it is just so QUIET!

Is it completely ridiculous that this made me terrified for a couple of minutes. I've gotten so used to the noise of Lagos that it has become so normal! I swear I was frantically turning off my lights and trying to stare out the window to discover some kind of alien invasion. (We have an inverter which is why I didn't notice the nepa thing immediately)Africans, especially us Nigerians do not believe in doing anything quietly. We must shout and make noise no matter what, lol.

On a side note, there are a few people I wish I could revoke their right to speak. People who don't deserve the right to speak until something that makes sense wishes to come outta their mouth. Crazy tactless individuals who say things like "only people who have no faith in God get sick and take medicine. Medicine is for non-believers". I'm a Christian and I really take offense when people make comments like that. This person should thank their lucky stars that nobody in their family has a life threatening illness...let's see how long it will take for them to run to a hospital. I believe you go to seek medical help and pray to God or whatever you believe in that it all works out for the best.

Anyway, after that little rant, I'm off to savour this rare moment as I am sure it won't last for much longer. Thank you Jesus for this beautiful and divine silence.

Have a blessed weekend.

Chimamanda Adichie: The danger of a single story

About this talk (Source: http://www.ted.com/)

Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice -- and warns that if we hear only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding.

It seems to work faster on the website.

"Why do you talk like that?!"

I'm wondering if anyone else has noticed that people are really sensitive about accents in Naija? Recently, I've heard a lot of bitching about Nigerians who have picked up different accents as a result of living abroad for some years. They freaking want to bite your head off for pronouncing a word in a different way than they would.

It is generally believed that if a person is over the age of 15 when they move abroad, they have no business talking with a foreign accent. I agree with this to an extent. For seven years, my accent was British in the presence of British people and Nigerian or something ''neutral' sounding to my fellow Nigerians. This happened because when I started at my boarding school (aged 17), I was constantly being asked to repeat myself to the point where I just preferred not to continue with the conversation. It was really frustrating because my accent was never that strong in the first place (It was that QC girl shakara kind of accent, you know the one. Lol!). Anyway, I eventually gave in and decided to try talking differently and that is how I ended up with the accent. By the time I was in Uni, non-Nigerians assumed I was British until I told them otherwise.

Since moving back to Lagos, I made a conscious effort to lose the accent.....it has been tucked away in the closet. But like a lot of other folks who studied abroad, my Nigerian accent is very 'Affected' but it is still a Nigerian accent! I've just been used to talking and pronouncing things in a certain way. People get really mad like you're doing it on purpose because you think you're better than them. NOT TRUE! It's just a habit. I know there are some people who talk that way on purpose (you'll find out that they probably spent only 2 months away, lol!). Don't even get me started on those radio DJs...cool FM and co! It can be so exhausting listening to their fake sounding accents!

I think it's just a psychological thing. Most young people just want to fit in with the people around them not because they think another accent is cooler or better than theirs. Most people are not even aware that they are doing it. I know a Naija guy who studied in Ghana and now has a Ghanaian accent. You CANNOT convince me that anybody would be trying to talk with a Ghanaian accent on purpose (No offense to my Ghanaian brothers and sisters :-).

So now that I have explained it, I hope y'all are cool

I'm Lovin it!

I could write down 100 things I HATE about living in Lagos...but I won't. Instead, I'm focusing on things i love about it.

I love the fact that Nigerians do not hide their religion. I don't know what it's like elsewhere but British people generally don't like talking about God and they really don't like any form of religious expression. This seems to be especially the case among youths. Look, I'm not one of those people that want to shove christianity down people's throats but I love the fact that in Naija I can say "God bless you" and not get funny looks like I've just killed your mother. I like having people to discuss anything spiritual with...whether its about doubts i may be having, a need for encouragement or if I'm feeling blessed and i just want to tell someone about it. I even have these conversations with my Muslim friends!

I'm so thrilled that I can get my hair done for the equivalent of 10 pounds or less in Lagos. When i was in England, I would spend close to 45 pounds to get a weave which meant that I could only change my hair once in a blue moon....every 3 months to be exact. For someone as restless as me, that was very annoying. I'm obsessed with my hair, I really do believe that a woman's hair is her crowning glory. You could be Miss Universe but if you have F-ed up hair, just forget it! That is all anybody will notice. The versatility of African/African American hair is both a blessing and a curse for me. You can do WHATEVER you want! Relaxed, braids, weave (straight, curly, kinky), natural...the list goes on. Having choices is great but that just makes me want to try it all (At the same time if i could, lol). I'm the type of person that asks my stylist "So for next time, do you think Rihanna's new haircut would look good on me?" to which she would reply "Honey! I'm not even finished yet and you're already planning your next do". Nowadays I change my hair as often as I like...braids, curly hair, straight, coloured, whatever! I'm rocking a short crop right now but you know I'm already planning my next trip to the salon :-)

I reeeally love having a group of friends again. I've met lots of nice people since I've been back and also reconnected with some old friends. It's nice having people to hang out and confide in.

I'm NOT loving the fact that I have a splitting headache right now from Malaria which is the reason I'm cutting this short!

Unashamedly Nice

My job involves quite a lot of face time with the general public so I occasionally run into people I’ve met through work. It’s always the usual “Oh, how far, can’t stop, see you later” kind of thing.

On one particular occasion last week, I was out with a colleague at one of our other branches and as we were walking past a conference room, a man suddenly got up and started waving and smiling at me. I had to look behind me because only a close friend would be that happy to see you and as far as I knew, I didn’t have a tall, good looking gentleman friend in his late thirties/early forties. If not for the fact that he was well dressed in a fine suit, I would have run away thinking he was a lunatic.

I moved closer to the conference room where he opened the door and finally explained that I had helped him out with a transaction a few weeks ago when he came to my office. Suddenly, I remembered the smile and it all came flooding back. It had been my first week on the job. Everything was still new and I was pretty slow dealing with customers. The normal reaction was always impatience or anger but this man was just so cool about it. I remember thinking he was weird because he was just so pleasant. Is that normal? Since when did I start to see rudeness as the norm! I was actually discussing this with ISHA and she noted that people are generally not that nice to each other anymore especially in Jand and Yankee. I got used to seeing people walk straight past a person clearly in need of help...like 'This is none of my business'. Over here, at least someone would stop and ask what the problem is.

The encounter was short, all he wanted to say was hello and ask how I was doing at work. He was so genuine. I really hope I gave the right amount of kindness back but to be honest I was just in shock, lol!

Life makes you a little cynical at times. There are actually nice, decent people out there and we don’t always have to be on the defensive.

He may not have completely restored my faith in mankind but with that little gesture, that man totally made my day.

Taking A Leap of Faith

“I’m never going back to that hell hole!” Those were my own words only two years ago at the prospect of moving back to Nigeria. It’s funny how things change. Let me give you the background story. I moved to England when I was 17 years old, all bright eyed and bushy-tailed ready for a new adventure. I started off at a boarding school and took to British life pretty quickly, I mean who wouldn’t? It was the first time I experienced social order and an almost corruption-free environment. Everything was a bus or train ride away and there were lots of things to do to while away the time.

As the years went by, I was certain that I would never live in Nigeria again...at least not in my youth. After graduation I got a job, which wasn't my dream job, but you have to work your way up, right? I figured I'd gain some work experience and keep pursuing what I really wanted. I had it all planned out and it looked like it would all work out my way. Boy was i wrong!


I enjoyed being a working gal, waking up early running to catch the bus, having a productive day at work (not to mention the free tea and coffee!) and having extra money to spend on clothes and concerts (my two favourite things). It was all hunky dory before the credit crunch knocked on my door and double-slapped me.


My contract with the company was up for renewal but they couldn't afford to have two temps so it was decided that the foreign chick had to go. It made more sense to keep the person who was British and didn't have any issues with work visas. My situation: I had the right to work in the UK for another year and a half on my post-study work visa and I would need a company to apply for a work visa on my behalf if i was to continue to work after that period.

I was upset but stayed optimistic. "Ah! This is my chance to find that dream job". I spent most of the summer applying and interviewing for jobs but the work permit issue seemed to be a hurdle I couldn't get over.

Recruiter: "I'm sorry we can't afford to employ you for just a year, we'd rather train someone who will stay with us for a long time"
Me: "Doh! Get me a work permit after a year then"
Recruiter: "Er..I'm afraid that's against our policy"

This was the story for several months. I was beginning to lose confidence in myself with each application. It was so disappointing. I kept thinking 'Dammit! I have a degree and masters for God's sake'. My parents had spent over 70,000 pounds on just tuition alone in the past 7yrs and I had no job to show for it.

The days began to blend into each other. A typical day was like this.....

12.30pm - Literally drag myself out of bed and turn on my computer to see his i had any responses on the job front

1.00pm - Have lunch (or should i say Breakfast!) and then take a shower
1.30 - Send out some more CVs or go to an interview
3.00pm - Watch TV, eat, eat some more or fall asleep
6.00pm - Get the usual worried call from mum and pretend I'm alright
7.00pm - Chat with my best friend (SongSmith) in the US who knew exactly how it felt cos she was going through the same thing
8.00pm - Call my sis and gist for like an hour courtesy of Vodafone 'stop the clock'. Lol.
9.00pm - Look for more vacancies to apply for
12 in the morning - Eat some more
2am - Cry and call my friend again
3am - Go to bed, the bed i hardly got out of! I would toss and turn till about 7 or 8am


With all the eating and weird sleeping patterns, it doesn't take a genius to figure out i was deeply unhappy and turning into a hermit! I didn't have a lot of friends around after Uni ended because most of them were foreign and had the good sense to go back to their respective countries. The others lived too far away for me to hang out with them on a regular basis.

Eventually my parents told me "If you ever want to have a real career, you had better come back home to Lagos! What EXACTLY are you doing there? Even if you get a permit, there is only so much you can achieve in another man's country."

It was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do and sometimes i still wonder if i made the right decision. I didn't want to leave my sister and the comforts of Jand but I had to trust that God was in control. It was like a bungee jump...I just shut my eyes and Jumped! And here I am in Lagos doing my NYSC. I've been here for almost eight months and its been....different! Lol! I can't think of a better word.

Having called somewhere else home for over seven years, it was like being in a foreign country again. It's different when you come to Nigeria for school holidays. You'll experience culture shock like you did when you first went away and re-adjusting takes time. I'm not going to lie. You'll probably hate the first few months and resent the fact that you are back (depending on the circumstances in which you came) . It's frustrating to go from an ordered society with 24hr electricity to NEPA, where you'll be lucky to get two hours per day if at all, heavy road traffic, armed robbery and corruption.

You have to have your wits about you. You have to become a 'type A personality' because having any other personality will surely ensure that you always finish last. Nice means push-over here! It's a trait that should only be shown to close family and friends. Lol! I'm working on it.

Also, if you're female, you'll probably find it difficult living under your parents roof again because it's unsafe for a lady to live alone in Naija. It was a shock to go from practically answering to no one and then all of a sudden have some of that independence taken away from you.

At least for now I'm living a life and not existing in a land called LIMBO! It's better to move forward however challenging it may be.