Tips for Lagos Living.

Here are a few tips that have helped me, one small way or another, to survive in Lagos. It's been two years since I moved back, so I guess I have been well schooled. I'm still learning sha. I figure these may be useful to a potential move-back-er too. Also, feel free to add your own tips in the comments section.

1. D.I.Y (Do It Yourself): The average Nigerian is looking for a JJC (Johnny Just Come - if you didn't know this, you need a proper Naija-fication) to take advantage of. And you know we like forming, especially when we have small money - you change jobs from an Okokomaiko-located one, to a VI-located one, and we won't hear word again. All of a sudden, Mama-Put disappears from your dictionary. Lol. (Don't mean to diss you if Okoko is your hood, consider it a figure of speech :D). Anyways, my point is, you can save a lot of money by doing some things yourself or making cheaper decisions. No one is going to stop talking to you because you were on an okada. In fact, the person that stops talking to you because you have an okada 'customer' is a goat. What I am saying is, bring your lunch from home once in a while (I went to drink/eat(?) some watery peppersoup at one upscale restaurant that other day for N1,500.00. My friend paid, but SMH). Buy your own relaxer and hair extensions at the market before going to the salon; the salon owners add shop rent and transport money to the one you buy from them. The examples are endless; I'm sure you get the gist. You are allowed to get a driver sha, just be sure to pay him well.
2. Lose the accent, Embrace razzness: Area boys can smell ajebota from miles away. A friend of mine suggested practising razzness in front of the mirror everyday. People will take advantage of you when you show them that you're 'not from around here'. Don't be alarmed though if you find out that people become spawns of Patrick Obahiagbon when you tell them that you studied abroad - "Why have you refused to remove the currency from where it is being trampled upon?" Na 50 pa wey dey ground Oh. D tin don tear sef. i con tink an tink an sey wetin bros e de Obahiagbon about? (Eko no dey carry last. Lol. In the words of the owner of this blog: Don't. Waste. English.)
3. Plan for more than one source of income: A side hustle, a small business venture, a mutual fund, an investment;  whatever it is sha, make sure it's legal. Companies are somewhat unstable in the Nigerian society. Many people are complaining that their companies don't have money to pay salaries. While this doesn't happen across the board, a safety blanket is NEVER a bad thing.
4. Bring a little of your old life into your new life: a). Clothes, Shoes, etc - except you are not a Primark/Old Navy/Outlet Mall shopper like me, and you don't mind spending N 30,000.00 ($200 or £120) on a good pair of jeans (There are cheaper alternatives, have no fear); b) Your favorite appliances - blender, hair styling equipment, etc; c)A Fall jacket/pullover, Hamarttan dey get as e be for these zones o. In fact, if you will be in the North, just bring your Winter coat. There must be at least one Nigerian car-shipper in your area. Depending on how much time you have, you can send the things you won't need for a while through them. It's not an Under-G arrangement, some of them run actual shipping outfits, so it's legit.
5. Start job-hunting before you move back: Connections rule Nigeria; use the ones you have. Recruiters tell you that they make selections based on merit, but don't be surprised to find out that the person sitting next to you in the interview hall didn't even write the pre-selection test; Her uncle's best-man is the second-cousin to the niece of the GM's PA. When you get in, you will do everything in your power to show your employer that even if you wrote the test, they would have selected you.
6. Bring your boyfriend: Guys need not worry about bringing their girlfriends. The market is already more competitive than it should be. If you bring her here and you don't marry her, you don cause wahala be dat.
7. Each day, ask God for more patience than He gave you the day before, you'll need all the patience you can come across. If your blood too dey hot, Naija go make you hug transformer. 

I hope that with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince you and not to confuse you, that farming is better than brick-laying. Thank you. (Key in 'skirt-brush curtsey')


:D!

...Cos I'm A Naija Boi!

Ha! And now I finally BLOG! This is a first, so I’m gonna try to do it differently. Lemme know what y’all think. You might understand why I get a tad too analytical occasionally and always give disclaimers even when speaking :D. Here goes…


Prelude

My father and I have developed a rather interesting relationship. For each major step in my life, he always provides advice and balanced, yet convincing, arguments. Decisions on specifics are generally left to me. Each decision I take however needs to be backed with solid reasons based on HARD facts to carry him along. Umm…yea, he’s a lawyer.

As some of you know,“¯I’m a 9ja boy!¯” to the bone <Big ups Eldee>. So it’s always been my intention to return home. “When” was always the issue. Just before graduation in December 2006, I had interviewed with a few companies who were offering all sorts of wonderful packages, but my then-efiko heart was yearning for graduate school. So I shunned them. I mean, my soon-to-be alma mater was offering me free graduate education with research assistant position and I’d been accepted into one of the best graduate engineering schools (hereafter, µBGES) around. What more could a pre-op efiko ask for?

Small problem: µBGES doesn’t start till the fall semester. But alma mater begins right away.

·Act 1, Scene 1 – The Decision

Light bulb! I get an ingenious idea.

Me, thinking: “Why don’t I attend alma mater now and then go start at µBGES in the fall? Costs me nothing to attend alma mater, no?”

ÉI discuss with dad. Dad thinks it’s a decent idea. Note: “decent idea” generally means “I’ll get back to you on that one.”

After three weeks of vacation in New York (# 5 on my Miss List), yours truly begins engineering graduate school at alma mater.

ÉDad calls.

Dad: “My guy, how far na? What about coming to Nigeria for the next six months until it’s time to go to µBGES? I don ‘rrange one joint like that plus like some 3 babes join for you.”

Me: “Ah pops, I don’t really understand Nigerian girls y’know.”

Dad: Small tin. You know say you be Yankee boi na. E go easy. Nuttin do you.

********** CUT! **********

Sorry guys, that’s not really part of the script. Getting carried away here; uh…let’s do this again.


*

*

********** ¸ ACTION! · **********

After three weeks of vacation in New York (# 5 on my Miss List), yours truly begins engineering graduate school at alma mater.

É Dad calls.

Dad: “Hey son, how about coming to Nigeria for the next six or seven months until it’s time to go to µBGES?”

Me: “Okay…that’s new…but what will I be doing there?”

Dad: “Well, I’ve arranged something for you. They should be calling you soon.”

Me: “Umm…I have other ideas. Lemme go think on it and I’ll get back to you.”

Honestly, I don’t want anything more! But I need to prove to him that it is the best option, all factors considered.

I carry out a comprehensive cost/risk analysis of all my options in preparation for my discourse with dad. Indulge me.

Cost vs Risk
1. Accept a job and work Low cost Low risk
2. Stay at alma mater Moderate cost Low risk
3. Return home High cost High risk


*Cost: Cost of travel, settling, fees, bills, etc
Risk: visa/immigration status (always a bitch eh?)


Me: “Look dad, I’ve done all my analyses and clearly, coming to Nigeria is the worst idea based on facts.”

Dad: “True, but I want you to come back and have a look-see. Check out the system. I’ve organized an internship for you at a multi-national where you’ll have firsthand view of the Nigerian business environment. See if it’s something you’d be interested in.”

Me, thinking: “God, after just 1 week of school, the mere fact that I had to sit through another class with even worse efikos (some undergraduate sef) immediately after graduation cantankerously and effectively nullified any elation I had experienced when I collected my B.Sc pali.”

No friends. Everyone has graduated and left respectably.

Apartment-search wahala.

No money for pocket. (As we all know, 9ja parents don’t send money once they hear you’re working. Doesn’t matter whether na $5.15 per hour at 10 hours a week you dey do.)


Me, thinking: “Omo mehn, I’m out! Back to the comfort of round-the-clock food service, driver, little or no expense, major cash inflow from the ‘rents, and just generally flossing. Nice!”

But wait.
Brothers and sisters, did I mention that my father is a lawyer? You HAVE to come correct. Verify and counter-verify contractual agreements before entering them cos mehn… you can be screwed over for your own carelessness.

I made sure I listed like 10,000 concerns, all of which he assuaged. Then:

Me: “OK, so this means you will bear the full cost of my flight, stay and return?”
Dad: “Yes.”
Me: “…and give me a whip to get around?”
Dad: “Yes.”
Me: “…and get me a job?”
Dad: “Yes.”
Me: “…and support me if the money I earn doesn’t cover all?”
Dad: “Uh…yes.”
Me: “…and pay off my credit card debt?”
Dad: “Uh…yea, that’s taking it too far. Na you carry gbese…pay it off yourself!”
Me: “Haha! OK! I’m in!”

a Call the special friend who doesn’t think too highly of the decision.
a Tell a few other buddies.
a Send off parties.
a Move two-thirds of my stuff to the H.
a Pack the remaining one-third in 2 suitcases.
a Kill off phone, water, electricity, etc.

The special friend drives me to DFW for the final goodbyes.

Me: “Hey, you know what? I’ll call you everyday. Plus I’ll be online all the time so we can chat. It’s like an extended vacation! I’ll be back on Aug 6! See my return ticket now.”


…little did I know!