Traffic Woes (2)

Time, t = 5mins

1. STOP!!! Didn't you see the No U-Turn sign? I said STOP! We will puncture your tire o.
2. GBAO!!! Where did that car come from?! I was only trying to dodge this LASTMA drama. Drat!

Time, t = 18mins

 None of the LASTMA officials has gone to help out with the accident yet. There's 'no money' in that situation. However, 'jay-walkers' have been 'captured'. (The pedestrian bridge is nowhere in sight, by the way.)

Time, t = 45mins

Accident 'victims' haven't resolved the situation yet because party at fault is a youth corper who does not have Vehicle Insurance. Spot one uninterested LASTMA official.

The Nigerian Rat Race

You see I had to specially qualify this rat race, because if I'd simply written 'The Rat Race', all you Western-World-Living folk would have started nodding about experiencing the same thing. Big. Fat. Lie. There's the Nigerian Rat Race, and then every other kind.

I was just about to bbm the other contributors and scold them for not posting, when I remembered that one of them is outta town for work-related matters, one is prolly not home from work yet, and the other is most likely too tired to even look at her phone. It's a quarter to 11, at night, as we 'speak'.

I'm writing this post on my phone, 'cause I don't even feel like looking at a Computer right now. What's the point if you spend more time going to and coming from work, than you do actually being AT work. A comedian cracked a joke about a guy who went to drop his woman at the airport for her trip to London. After her plane took off, he got into his car to embark on his trip to Ajah. It so happened that girlfriend called dude just as he was getting to the third roundabout, that her flight landed safely. It may be funny, but I won't be shocked if someone has experienced this.

Oh, and God help you if your company is a one man business. You can't complain about working late all the time, because the boss'll tell you that the work hours listed on your appointment letter were only gotten from a template. 'You stay at work as long as necessary, my friend. What? You live in Festac and the Office is in Ikorodu? And you don't have a car? Well, I'm sure you're not the only one. Think of all the people who don't have jobs. Suck it up!'

See but what is interesting is that people don't quit. They'll keep waking up at 4am so that they can get to work on time. They keep responding 'Yes Sir' and crying in the toilet so they can keep their jobs; money is so important.

. . .

I can't think anymore. The electricity just went out.

Visit http://naijabloke.blogspot.com, then follow the series till the end of this month.

This Is Lagos - Part 1

There are a few things you can't not know about, or experience in Lagos:

1. Heavy Traffic: We can never say enough about Lagos traffic. One of the radio stations here asks commuters to call in during rush hour and describe the traffic situation wherever they are. There are different grades: a) 'Bumper to Bumper'. b) 'This go-slow tie wrapper o'. c) (There's also something else that involves witches that I don't quite remember). Anyways, go-slow gat Lagos like white on rice. Now, some may argue that I don't really have a say in traffic discussions, because I live in VI, work in Dolphin, and I'm always going against traffic. Still, I write on behalf of people who have to travel between Magodo and VI, or Ajah and Surulere daily. Not fun. And you may not always 'see' the reason for the hold-up. I think people just plan from home that they''ll drive slowly until they get to one off-ramp, and then pick up the pace after that spot. Oh, and tell me why people don't use their brains when they're driving?! We're on a 2-lane road yeah? One going, one coming. Someone please explain to me why I'll now see people forming a third lane in the middle!!! I mean, I can't blame them, those of us who are 'queueing up' are obviously stupid and don't have a life ambition. Do they not know that both lanes would still have to merge into one??!! Nigerian road users have taught me that common sense is NOT common.



2. Iya Basira: I'm assuming you know the song that goes by this title. If not, take a break, listen/watch here, and then come back (Ok, the video is not fantastic, but you get the gist). One thing I love about Nigeria is that a man who says he can't get anything to eat is definitely not trying. You can get a deliciously satisfying meal of Jollof Rice, Dodo, a cube-sized piece of meat, and a bag of pure water for N100.00. You may be posh and not be the pure water type; you can upgrade. See, I used to think myself posh, and would stop at one of the upscale eateries on Adeola Odeku Street in VI, for a sandwich, everyday. The chicken-slapped-on-two-slices-of-bread-with-tomatoes-lettuce-and-'special'-mayo, started out at N380. I would fill-up with a huge flask of tea and tell myself I had a good breakfast. When it was increased to N420, I told myself it wasn't too bad a price hike, besides that sandwich is the truth. The first time I paid N500 for that thing, was the last time I ate it. It's not like I didn't eat the oh-so-satisfying N50 Agege bread at camp. (I need to stop lying to myself that I'm posh). I understand that with buka situations, people complain about cleanliness of the food, serving areas, servers, etc. You just have to 'survey the land', and make sure you're not eating idoti with your food. I was ordering a piece of chicken at a so-called posh eatery on Akin Adesola Street in VI, when I spied the server licking the mouth of the salad dressing bottle after serving someone from it. Of course, I yelled at him. There goes your clean upscale restaurant. Imagine how many times he's done that crap. And to think I used to order their salad all the time. Maybe that's why I'm not as slim as I'd like - saliva-spiced salad dressing.



3. Area Boys: I grew up in Festac Town, Lagos. During my nursery school years, the school bus picked me from the front of my house and dropped me at the same spot everyday. There was a playground right in front of my house. We went on strolls in the evenings. We did our shopping at Tejuoso market, which was really good then, from what I'm made to understand. I didn't know what the words 'area boy' meant. I lived a suburban life. I remember one time (I was 5 or 6) when my Grandma got us excited about going to the Bar Beach. We tried on our beach shorts, halter tops, and thong sandals everyday, and sang to all our friends about the beach trip we were looking forward to. D-day, Granny drove us to the beach, parked about a mile from the water (Ok, half a mile), and pushed down the locks of the car. We were going to watch the water from the car, because of area boys! I still get mad when I think about it. I never again got to enjoy a beach till I went to Takwa Bay when I was in SS2! Area boys run Lagos. They are the horse trainers at the beach, so you pay them N1000 when you ride the horse. They 'watch' your car when you park at the designated parking spaces of EmberCreek (it doesn't matter that the place hires guards), so you pay them N200. They wash your car windshields even when you don't ask, so you pay them too. In Lagos, monkey/ode/I dey work, baboon dey chop. What baffles me is how they believe they have a right to your money. When the driver picked me up after the salsa class yesterday, the guy who was 'watching' the car (though the driver only got there about 5 minutes before I walked out), called me stingy because I never give them anything. What the ...?! Why don't you find a job punk! Being the nice person that I am, I apologized and said I only had N10.00. He said, 'Oya give me N50'. Obvoiusly, I wasn't communicating.
   
   
   
4. Shopping: I have been decongesting my wardrobe without recongesting. Now, I don't have clothes to wear to work anymore. I can't go to Lagos stores to buy clothes, because I still convert prices on clothes tags to their dollar equivalents when I want to shop. NOTHING will make me pay N15, 000/$100 for a blouse, except I don't plan to wear anything else with it. So, I really haven't done any shopping since I moved back. On my 'New' list I have: 6 pair of shoes, 1 polo shirt, 1 blouse and 1 freakum-dress. Finish. I need to fix that, because... Let's just say I need new clothes. I was recently introduced to the upscale part of Balogun market where you can be sure that the clothes you're buying haven't been worn before. There are also those people who bring stuff in from Yankee and Jand when they travel though. You'll see them lugging suitcases in the trunks of their cars. They help a lot, and they're not very expensive. Another trick - regularly find yourself some very good material, and a very good tailor (all the best with that), and customize your wardrobe with TailorLoRan designs.
   

The Nigerian Market

I should be talking about something serious, like the 'Nigerian' guy who tried to bomb a plane in the US on Christmas day. Honestly, I have my doubts about his true identity, because we all know, Nigerians love life too much to consider things like suicide. Haven't you heard about the Nigerian who wanted to kill himself? He hung himself from the waist, because "that neck own too dey pain person". I mean, I'm just saying... Anyways, I'm in too good a mood to write out what needs to be said about Nigeria today. It'd be too depressing. That said, RIP Mariam Babaginda.

Anyways. my topic today has different topics:

1. The Nigerian mobile market: I mean like the market in traffic. Honestly, they've taken street trading to a whole new level. My Dad was on his way to Ife, in Osun State one day, and he forgot his glasses at home. He bought a new pair somewhere on the highway. I mean I understand Gala, Fanyogo, Bananas and even windshield wipers, but Glasses, really?! On a serious note though, I read recently that the government is trying to get these traders off the streets, for safety reasons. My question for the government is, 'What are these people supposed to do with themselves now?' A good number of them are degree-holders who were not able to find regular jobs. Thankfully, they made better choices than those who took to armed robbery. I'm cracking my brain for ideas to help these people if they really are swept off the streets. Please lemme know if some genius plan occurs to you.
2. This thing about change: I think I talked about this on my other blog sometime ago. At this point, if I put together all the change that I was told to 'come back and collect' I can buy this pretty good Range Rover that I spotted a few hours ago. I think it sounds like the guy will gba my oju with this deal, (see me talking like I'm going to buy it tomorrow). I really want a car though, and what's wrong with being hopeful? What was I talking about before sef? Yes, change. So, as I was saying... I don't get it. How can you run a business and not have change? Oh and then, the really bold one would now encourage to 'buy something' with the change. Something? I look like a vending machine abi, so I have too much money and I can overlook 'mis-spending' N850.00 because you can't find me money? Mschew!
3. 'Buy from me or else': My cousin and I are driving home from work and this guy selling phone credit begins knocking on my window hard enough to crack it just a little bit. He's so sure that the reason I've not called him, is not the obvious one of my not needing any, but simply because I'm ignoring him. He expects that as soon as I look up and see him, I'd suddenly realize that the N1500 I just put on my phone will miraculously expire in the 15 minutes it'd take me to get home. Oh also, one of my pet peeves is being touched by people I don't know. Handshakes are 'alright', but like don't hold my arm or waist or anything like that. So, you can only imagine my reaction when someone selling men's shirts at the market grabs me by the arm and pulls me towards his store...

Lemme just stop.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New 2010 to you all!

Talk to you in the new year!

Lagos Driving.

I am going to give all of you a chance to laugh at my inability to draw, because this post just won't many any sense without a sketch.

I learnt to drive in the US of A. Nigerians feel bad for me as soon as I tell them that, for the following reasons:

1. Americans know how to drive.
2. Americans obey traffic rules, and not just because someone may be watching.
3. A manual transmission car has to be specially requested in the US.
4. Sanity is common on the American road.

Now, when I came home in 2006, I was driving our old school auto-transmission Merc around Festac alone (because I didn't have a Nigerian license). I was looking forward to cruising my ride again when I moved back home, but I found out that it would be unavailable for a while. No problem. Taxis became my best friend. (I think I'm a pro at haggling taxi prices now.)

Anyway, my brother started learning to drive, with a VeeDub Beetle (I mean the really old ones o), and my folks started challenging me, talking about - 'your brother is a gee at maneuvering a gear shift, and you're here talking about knowing how to drive a car, when your left leg doesn't even know what a clutch is'. Fine! I started learning how to really drive, since apparently, auto transmission vehicles are 'toy cars'.

I now understand the clutch/accelerator dance, but I'm only starting to shift to gear 3. The first time I tried it, I was in the car by myself. The car jerked and made a funny sound, and I fugured I'd ventured to gear 5 instead of 3. Ah well, I'm sure I'll be perfect soon. I'm still only allowed to drive around Festac and Dolphin, but I'm sure I'll be a pro before I get into the real world.

Driving in Lagos amazes me. I'm not even talking about traffic jams. Check out my less than perfect sketch:

This is what an intersection close to my house looked like a few weekends ago. Absolute chaos! Now, someone please tell me why Nigerians simply don't turn correctly like Car 2 is doing? Everyone pulls a Car 4 left turn, and I really don't get it!

Car 1 broke down right at the intersection, and no one thought it would be smart to push it out of the way. How are those indicators supposed to help?

Car 5 can't see what's in front of Car 1, so he's just going to check. And then get stuck somewhere in the middle.

Car 7 is trying to be patient to let the madness clear out but Car 6 doesn't see the importance of that. You can only imagine the pile up and honk-a-thon going on behind Car 7. Unfortunately, a woman is driving the Car 7, so everyone is going to insult her, calling her 'Woman Driver' though we all know she's doing the right thing.

Car 3 is too busy cursing out the okada that's overtaking him on the right side to see that he's about to lose the front of his car to Mr. I-don't-know-how-to-make-a-proper-left-turn in Car 4.

Don't even get me started on the way all the okadas are maneuvering themselves through the chaos. Look at the one next to Car 1; he's going to want to cross over to the right side of the road without looking, in a few seconds.

God will help us in this our Lagos o.

AMEN!