"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
This is the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and it pretty much sums up the entire plot. In real terms, the reverse is true. The female characters in the book are concerned with the pursuit and acquisition of “single men in possession of a good fortune”. This was nineteenth-century English society. A single woman's options were quite limited so it would make sense that she would be desperate for a husband that could offer some social advantage.
Isn't it funny that in our own society today, even after the feminist movement, Jane Austen's words still hold true? People are very focused on money. Men have to be be affluent if they ever hope to get married which is why most men have this “I can't get married because I’m not rich” attitude. I am by no means saying that people should not be concerned about finances when looking at a potential life partner but I think people really miss the point of marriage and relationships.
Let's take it out of the context of marriage and talk about the dating scene (boyfriend/girlfriend). I actually feel a little sorry for Nigerian guys. I remember having a conversation with a friend and he was complaining about how he was too broke to afford a girlfriend. I was like "What is this dude talking about?". He went on to explain that there were too many expenses that came with 'toasting' a girl. Money for cinema trips, money for lunch and dinner, money in case she brings her friends, money for fuel to take her on miscellaneous errands and the one that always baffles me...money for her HAIR!
First of all. Who are these women and don't they have jobs? I originally assumed it was just a situation unique to dating a university girl but apparently not. It must be terrible for a brother in this age of 'Brazilian' hair. He's probably looking at spending 77k plus the 3500 it takes to fix the weave. I find it rather unfortunate. Why should my man be saddled with the responsibility of making sure my hair looks hot?
Now on to the car. If you are a Naija guy trying to get a girlfriend and you have no car, my heart goes out to you. Your options are pretty limited. I understand this to a certain extent because of the way Lagos is structured. The transportation system is appalling and getting around is generally frustrating with the traffic and all. Its easier to date a girl if you can pick her up and take her back to her house when your date is over. Ain't nobody tryna get public transport after 10pm! I however do not think that women should use their boyfriend’s car as an on-call taxi service for she and her friends.
So lets say you are dating a girl and you take her out for a meal. It is only in a Nollywood movie that a guy can get away with taking his date to TFC and Mr Biggs. Its going to have to be somewhere swanky and you are paying for the whole shebang...eyah poor you (lol). A guy paying for dinner still makes more sense to me than the hair issue.
I guess the point of all this is simply “Isn't it just polite to offer to pay half the bill when you go out for dinner with a guy?” Or am I the one who is weird? I went out for lunch with a friend last week and although it wasn't a date he paid for the food. Then we got to the cinema and I brought out money to pay for the tickets and he said "what are you doing?!" To which I simply replied "Paying for the tickets". He was impressed that I wanted to pay for something but really, what's there to be impressed by? In my opinion it is just the decent thing to do. Relationships irrespective of whether they are romantic or not should be symbiotic. If the other person insists on paying then fine but it should not be automatically expected. One must not aim to be a ‘taker’ all the time.
Women have more options now and some women earn more money than their male counterparts. I think it gives men permission to treat a woman badly if she is always seen to be asking for financial support especially when you are not even married. Forget about the stay-at-home mom, THAT IS A JOB! But generally if a person is contributing all the money in a marriage then it gives said person the controlling power. Lets say you reach an impasse during a discussion about which school your kid is going to attend or some other important decision, the phrase “Is it your money?’ comes to mind.
Anyway most of these women know there are guys who would never stand for it so they target the mugu who doesn’t mind having a liability on his arm. I think it is pretty selfish for a woman to be dating a guy with the same salary grade and then burden him with the responsibility of paying for everything. If it is an aristo (sugar daddy) situation then yes…I guess that’s what the deal is. I accept that in the Nigerian culture, the man is seen to be the provider and thus responsible for a lot more. A man may feel like he is not a ‘real man’ if his wife is constantly trying to contribute financially. However, some ladies really need to stop taking the piss and pay for your own damn hair!
Please I would really appreciate some feedback on this in case I am the one who needs to get with the programme. Sorry about being MIA for so long.
Disclaimer: To my future husband. You are not allowed to hold this as evidence against me. Your money is OUR money and my money is MY money. I will contribute some and promise not to spend yours on designer handbags. Got it?
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
This is the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and it pretty much sums up the entire plot. In real terms, the reverse is true. The female characters in the book are concerned with the pursuit and acquisition of “single men in possession of a good fortune”. This was nineteenth-century English society. A single woman's options were quite limited so it would make sense that she would be desperate for a husband that could offer some social advantage.
Isn't it funny that in our own society today, even after the feminist movement, Jane Austen's words still hold true? People are very focused on money. Men have to be be affluent if they ever hope to get married which is why most men have this “I can't get married because I’m not rich” attitude. I am by no means saying that people should not be concerned about finances when looking at a potential life partner but I think people really miss the point of marriage and relationships.
Let's take it out of the context of marriage and talk about the dating scene (boyfriend/girlfriend). I actually feel a little sorry for Nigerian guys. I remember having a conversation with a friend and he was complaining about how he was too broke to afford a girlfriend. I was like "What is this dude talking about?". He went on to explain that there were too many expenses that came with 'toasting' a girl. Money for cinema trips, money for lunch and dinner, money in case she brings her friends, money for fuel to take her on miscellaneous errands and the one that always baffles me...money for her HAIR!
First of all. Who are these women and don't they have jobs? I originally assumed it was just a situation unique to dating a university girl but apparently not. It must be terrible for a brother in this age of 'Brazilian' hair. He's probably looking at spending 77k plus the 3500 it takes to fix the weave. I find it rather unfortunate. Why should my man be saddled with the responsibility of making sure my hair looks hot?
Now on to the car. If you are a Naija guy trying to get a girlfriend and you have no car, my heart goes out to you. Your options are pretty limited. I understand this to a certain extent because of the way Lagos is structured. The transportation system is appalling and getting around is generally frustrating with the traffic and all. Its easier to date a girl if you can pick her up and take her back to her house when your date is over. Ain't nobody tryna get public transport after 10pm! I however do not think that women should use their boyfriend’s car as an on-call taxi service for she and her friends.
So lets say you are dating a girl and you take her out for a meal. It is only in a Nollywood movie that a guy can get away with taking his date to TFC and Mr Biggs. Its going to have to be somewhere swanky and you are paying for the whole shebang...eyah poor you (lol). A guy paying for dinner still makes more sense to me than the hair issue.
I guess the point of all this is simply “Isn't it just polite to offer to pay half the bill when you go out for dinner with a guy?” Or am I the one who is weird? I went out for lunch with a friend last week and although it wasn't a date he paid for the food. Then we got to the cinema and I brought out money to pay for the tickets and he said "what are you doing?!" To which I simply replied "Paying for the tickets". He was impressed that I wanted to pay for something but really, what's there to be impressed by? In my opinion it is just the decent thing to do. Relationships irrespective of whether they are romantic or not should be symbiotic. If the other person insists on paying then fine but it should not be automatically expected. One must not aim to be a ‘taker’ all the time.
Women have more options now and some women earn more money than their male counterparts. I think it gives men permission to treat a woman badly if she is always seen to be asking for financial support especially when you are not even married. Forget about the stay-at-home mom, THAT IS A JOB! But generally if a person is contributing all the money in a marriage then it gives said person the controlling power. Lets say you reach an impasse during a discussion about which school your kid is going to attend or some other important decision, the phrase “Is it your money?’ comes to mind.
Anyway most of these women know there are guys who would never stand for it so they target the mugu who doesn’t mind having a liability on his arm. I think it is pretty selfish for a woman to be dating a guy with the same salary grade and then burden him with the responsibility of paying for everything. If it is an aristo (sugar daddy) situation then yes…I guess that’s what the deal is. I accept that in the Nigerian culture, the man is seen to be the provider and thus responsible for a lot more. A man may feel like he is not a ‘real man’ if his wife is constantly trying to contribute financially. However, some ladies really need to stop taking the piss and pay for your own damn hair!
Please I would really appreciate some feedback on this in case I am the one who needs to get with the programme. Sorry about being MIA for so long.
Disclaimer: To my future husband. You are not allowed to hold this as evidence against me. Your money is OUR money and my money is MY money. I will contribute some and promise not to spend yours on designer handbags. Got it?
10 response(s):
Babe, get with the program jare, lol. If a guy complains, he should shift to one side.
Just joking o, but I believe it works for Nigerian environment now. Men def have more opportunities than women generally. However any lady that works should learn to cut their bobos some slack. Esp on >20k hair!
I never realised I was supposed to pay for the phone card lol
DG, let's date and get married!:D You're my person jare!
Honestly, this is a precursor to a post I am still gonna write (I know, promises, promises...but I'll make them good).
Yes, you've written from a janded/ yankee point of view. But beyond that, your opinion (completely the same as mine) is only perfectly LOGICAL. I don't really get how they don't see this in Nigeria. I've found that the main cause of this kind of parasitic relationship is poverty. I will expatiate in my post.
Nailed it, DoG. It adds such unnecessary pressure on our guys, feeling that they need to be these Alpha-Male-Got-Everything-Figured-Out people. If we as females don't hold ourselves to that standard, why should we hold them to it?
The gold-digger culture here really, really troubles me. I was raised to look forward to building my home (financially and otherwise) WITH my mate, not waiting for him to build it finish, then moving my load into it. Isn't that part of the fun?
And babes will be the first one to jam to "Miss Independent" o, while rocking hair, nails, baffs and cellphone purchased by some poor dummy tryna holla. And what irks me most is when guys (and you can't blame them for it) paint you with the same brush.
Nice quote from my girl, Ms Austen, btw!
Mr. Fynboi, I think you are too short for this babe. Lol. You know I lurrr you.
I am feeling this post through and through, DoG. I did a post about it once sef. Some women just view men as pockets; even worse is the fact that the men allow it to happen. I was talking to a friend of mine who was preparing his budget for the month. My head sparked when he included 'Girlfriend'. I was like 'you resemble her Papa?' He thought I was being mean in thinking she was milking him, but mehn, bobo has to wise up o...
I don't know how women can do that though - ask a guy to give you pocket money; when he's not your Dad or Husband (or brother, if he's the nice kind). Doesn't it deflate their self-esteem?
Or maybe I have ego issues...
(I'd like to hear from someone who doesn't have this jand/yankee opinion though.)
ISHA, she ain't mention height in the criteria so just mind your bizness and don't spoil my market jor! I like you o - don't make me add you to my "Haters Oshi United" list.
That pocket money one pass me walahi! Is there no shame?!!?!!!!!?!
I talked to a proper 9ja friend last week and she holds a similar symbiotic view. She said one guy was just floored with wonderment that she would pay for the trio's drinks when he went out with her and his cousin. Guy quote, "I have NEVER had a woman pay for anything for me!"
Honestly, I would REALLY like to hear another non-Yankee POV.
Sha, I feel for women who, although they detest this style, the image is cast on them like SongSmith said.
@fynboi I do!!!Yes yes yes, I'll marry you. I have enough height for the both of us. Lol
@songsmith Jane Austen Book Club baby!
@isha I think its definitely an ego thing for me. It makes me really uncomfortable to even talk about money with a man. As you said before, would be nice to get feedback from a non jand/yankee perspective.
LOL @ the "Hater Oshi United" and the disclaimer
lmao....well spoken! i went naija for summer few yrs ago and it was the norm. someone actually asked me why i would pay for my lunch, and i answered cos i'm hungry and i need to feed myself...next thing she says God forbid she buys food of 1500Naira with her money(except if a guy pays for her).what the heck is wrong with naija gurls n imposing their female friends'
Yay! DG! The happiest day of my life. I've set the date. All we need now is money. Obviously, per your disclaimer, I have to have enough for both of us. *clears throat* Yea, I'm working on that. :D
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