Frustrations of a Fattie...err...Foodie.

This is how things went in my house at meal-times. Dinner was ready, you were hungry, you went in the kitchen, grabbed a plate, put food in said plate and ate it. (This routine only varied slightly on Sundays when lunch was served at the table and eaten as a family). In general though, in my house, if you sat around waiting for anyone to invite you to eat, you would die. Quickly, painfully, certainly.

This is why I don’t understand this phenomenon of “Come and join me to eat”. I never noticed it before I left Naija (i\m sure it existed but I never noticed it), but apparently, it is the height of rudeness to grab a plate of food and not offer some of whatever it is to the people in your immediate surroundings. Doesn’t matter what food it is (it could be things easily shared like cookies, or frigging eba and okra), doesn’t matter who the people are (your boss, a complete stranger, your co-worker who is intent on spreading his latest bout of viral plague) and it certainly does not matter if you’re starving and barely have enough food for yourself. The reason it does not matter is that it is also considered the height of rudeness to accept such an offer. So let me get this ish straight. It’s rude of me not to offer but it’s rude of you to accept said offer. So what the hell are we all doing?

I was chastised this week for walking into the office with my regular breakfast sandwich and having the gall to begin to eat it without so much as a thought towards anyone else.

Co-worker: “Nawa o. SongSmith. You’re just a Chop-Alone sha”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m a what?”

Co-worker: A Chop-Alone. You didn’t even offer anybody. And you know what they say about he who chops alone. He dies alone.”

Me: “Is that right? And how many of your closest friends and family were you planning on taking with you when you die because you offered them a piece of your sandwich?”

Co-worker: **backs away slowly**

I don’t like this custom. I think it’s disingenuous. I think it’s annoying. I think it’s insincere. If I genuinely would like you to have a piece of my Snickers, I will offer it in the hopes that you accept. If I would like to eat my Snickers by myself, I would like to be able to do so without being threatened with a solitary death.

That’s all. Now, I’m hungry. Gimme your lunch. It’s rude of you not to. No home-training.