- Americans know how to drive.
- Americans obey traffic rules, and not just because someone may be watching.
- A manual transmission car has to be specially requested in the US.
- Sanity is common on the American road.
Now, when I came home in 2006, I was driving our old school auto-transmission Merc around Festac alone (because I didn't have a Nigerian license). I was looking forward to cruising my ride again when I moved back home, but I found out that it would be unavailable for a while. No problem. Taxis became my best friend. (I think I'm a pro at haggling taxi prices now.)
Anyway, my brother started learning to drive, with a VeeDub Beetle (I mean the really old ones o), and my folks started challenging me, talking about - 'your brother is a gee at maneuvering a gear shift, and you're here talking about knowing how to drive a car, when your left leg doesn't even know what a clutch is'. Fine! I started learning how to really drive, since apparently, auto transmission vehicles are 'toy cars'.
I now understand the clutch/accelerator dance, but I'm only starting to shift to gear 3. The first time I tried it, I was in the car by myself. The car jerked and made a funny sound, and I fugured I'd ventured to gear 5 instead of 3. Ah well, I'm sure I'll be perfect soon. I'm still only allowed to drive around Festac and Dolphin, but I'm sure I'll be a pro before I get into the real world.
Driving in Lagos amazes me. I'm not even talking about traffic jams. Check out my less than perfect sketch:
This is what an intersection close to my house looked like a few weekends ago. Absolute chaos! Now, someone please tell me why Nigerians simply don't turn correctly like Car 2 is doing? Everyone pulls a Car 4 left turn, and I really don't get it!
Car 1 broke down right at the intersection, and no one thought it would be smart to push it out of the way. How are those indicators supposed to help?
Car 5 can't see what's in front of Car 1, so he's just going to check. And then get stuck somewhere in the middle.
Car 7 is trying to be patient to let the madness clear out but Car 6 doesn't see the importance of that. You can only imagine the pile up and honk-a-thon going on behind Car 7. Unfortunately, a woman is driving the Car 7, so everyone is going to insult her, calling her 'Woman Driver' though we all know she's doing the right thing.
Car 3 is too busy cursing out the okada that's overtaking him on the right side to see that he's about to lose the front of his car to Mr. I-don't-know-how-to-make-a-proper-left-turn in Car 4.
Don't even get me started on the way all the okadas are maneuvering themselves through the chaos. Look at the one next to Car 1; he's going to want to cross over to the right side of the road without looking, in a few seconds.
God will help us in this our Lagos o.
AMEN!
11 response(s):
I don't know what's going on with the formatting o.
LOL! The diagram is genius. This intersection could absolutely, positively, certainly be ANY damn intersection in the entire city. People drive like they are blind, drunk and strung out on crack. Cars so close together, you could reach over and change someone's radio station. Those little things called 'indicators' going undisturbed. Moluwe bus drivers who apparently think rearview mirrors are purely decorative.
I say, godspeed to anyone who's brave enough to venture unto the roads! May the force be with you!
Completely INGENIOUS!!! I LOVE it! Lol. Please, let's paste that thing on Facebook. It's just that the explanation HAS to go with it. Lol. This is too good!
This diagram wholly illustrates the complexities at those intersections. AWESOME!
LOL@ Songsmith's "strung out on crack" and "radio station"!! I can hear "JJC" in your post. Nuttin do you! LWKMD!!!
You really have been away for long, friend.
LOL, who said you couldn't draw? Driving in Lagos is madness. I never tried it.
Will add this blog too.
25 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, Lagos Driving 101
1. When in doubt, accelerate!
2. Be prepared to ram anything stopping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)
3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10
4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)
5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.
6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque
7..Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes
8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.
9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week)
13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.
14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)
15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.
16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.
17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
18. Never use directional signals, since they on ly confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.
19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.
20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.
21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.
22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.
25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!
HORNING IN LAGOS
- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.
- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.
- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.
- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.
- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.
- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.
- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.
Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos
NO TAILGATING ALLOWED
The horning! I nearly passed out laughing!
@Oluwatoyosi I be JJC o. Gimme a couple of months, i will soon be blasting my horn with the best of them.
Honestly, the diagram makes the whole entry! And with the descriptions I could totally see this scene (and hear it too) in my head.
I've never dare drive in Naija for fear of being driven off the road. No respect for the rules of the road!
When u are ever going update again?
Sorry kay! Very soon :-)
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