"What's your opinion?" - Naija Early-Momo Evangelism

So, a few times over the last two weeks, I have woken up to the sound of evangelism.

I am very aware of fact that as Christians, it's our duty to spread the Good News of salvation to ALL men. However, isn't the purpose of evangelism defeated when you are barging in on the peace that sleepy-heads are enjoying? More likely than not, they are trying to enjoy the last 20 minutes of sleep (which we know are the sweetest), before getting up to join the pile-up of cars already on the Mainland-to-Island bridges. It's more likely that instead of getting up and asking you to pray with them, they'll start the morning by cussing you out. What then is the point?

Maybe I have not considered this from all angles. I am a Christian, but I don't think this is the best way to go about evangelism.

What say you?

('What's your Opinion?' may become a series. Let's see what the other contributors think.)

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I used to have gorgeous hair. I don’t mind telling you that myself. When there was a cool autumnal breeze, it whipped through my hair tousling it about without a care. When curious passersby came close enough to my head to bask in its magnificence, they were often rewarded with a glimpse of their own reflection bouncing off my shiny tresses. My locks were just about long enough to keep my poor shoulders warm in the cruel winter months. While my friends spent hours in hair salons affixing to their scalps the latest furry imports from India, Brazil and Venezuela, I would simply run a carefree hand through my hair, shake it about and set about my business.

This all came to a swift and abrupt end in October 2009, a month after I relocated to the fair city of Lagos. Now, just shy of a year later, my formerly luxurious mane is thin, brittle and sad. I could cut open envelopes with its sharp, jagged edges. It’s barely long enough to tickle my earlobes. Strangers cross the street to avoid its dull, angry glare. If I listen closely at night, I can hear my hair softly weeping.

I approached the salon the first time with some trepidation, as I recalled vividly the over-relaxed, over-greased, over-processed hair of my youth. I selected my salon carefully; avoiding the roadside head-butchers and opting instead for the more ‘upscale’, believing foolishly that price was somehow correlated to the quality of the service to be provided. I have since learned that this is untrue of hair salons and indeed any other service provider in this town. Life is all about learning lessons and my wallet is grateful to have learned this one early.

The most culpable characters in this mess are the hairdressers. In many other societies, hairstyling is usually a trade entered into by choice, not because you couldn’t cut it (no pun intended) in sewing school. Hairdressers are normally skilled professionals, having undergone some form of training at a school of cosmetology of some kind. The stylists are not all great, and some are quite honestly insane, but they are generally aware that a) one cannot brush violently through wet hair, b) one cannot trim hair with a rusty razor blade, c) one need not take off the topmost layer of skin from a scalp to properly shampoo it, d) one probably wants to fetch water to rinse the relaxer out before one puts the relaxer in (believe me, I did not make this one up) and e) if one’s customer is weeping for mercy in one’s chair, it is probably a good time to stop whatever the heck it is that one was doing.

The only thing worse than the hairdressers’ ignorance is their ignorance of their own ignorance. They are sure they know what the best products for your hair-type are (it is common knowledge that the chemical compound “sodium lauryl sulfate” is extremely drying and damaging particularly to chemically-treated hair and yet it is present in every shampoo in the salon); they are sure they know what treatments you need (they try to sell you on their deep-conditioning or steaming treatments which make no discernible difference to your hair except for the lovely dandruff) and they are sure they know what hairstyle suits you best. Any argument to the contrary on this particular matter will undoubtedly end in fisticuffs.

Heavens forbid a young lady has “natural”, un-relaxed hair. Her entrance into the salon is met with, at best, averted gazes and, at worst, scowls of contempt. Appeals to her to just stop being stubborn and relax her hair are endless. Several stylists will refuse to touch the unkempt, unruly mass claiming that the hair is too “due” to be managed (they mean that it is due for a perm, as if this were the default hair state and not the man-made alternative). To compensate for their own inadequacies, they bathe her head in grease as though intent on deep-fat-frying it. It never ends well.

As someone who has been to hair-hell and is just now on her way back, let me share with you some nuggets of wisdom, to hopefully spare you some of my agony. Always set aside 12-18 hours to spend at the salon. Always take your own products. Always be prepared to fight. Do your research; understand your hair-type and know how your hair needs to be treated. And finally, disabuse yourself of the notion that a paid professional should have any idea what she is doing.

Or better yet, just go to cosmetology school.

Lagos Living....and Loving?

On the eve of the one-year anniversary of my repatriation (Gasp!! One year? How did that happen???), I’ve decided to that a bit of a change in tone from my regular posts is in order. I am guilty of doing more than my fair share of pissing and moaning about just how awful things in Lagos actually are. And they are awful, don’t get me wrong. But for a change though, I thought I’d bring you a little snapshot of three of the things I absolutely adore about this cesspool I have come to call home. Enjoy and feel free to add to the list in the comments.

“Big Brother”

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in a small town. I told my mama I’d live in a small town somewhere in South Carolina; somewhere that had one post office, one general store, one school, one church, a local sheriff. The sort of town where everyone knows your name and your friends’ parents all grew up together. The kind of place where everyone knows everyone else’s history and if you acted up, some kind neighborly aunt would smack you back into line. My mother mostly worried that I would be lynched in such a town, but I was intoxicated by the sense of community, the feeling of belonging that living in such a town might engender. I never realized that I didn’t have to wander very far to find it. Lagos; a small town of just about 20 million people. The sort of town where, if the postman falls ill, you don’t get your package for a month. The sort of town where the security guard watching over 1,000 cars knows exactly where yours is parked, even if you don’t. The sort of town where your parents know all your friends’ parents and which of them has embezzled exactly how much from which company. The sort of town where you can’t go clubbing and randomly make out with the cute boy in the back because, chances are, your Sunday School classmate (and, let’s face it, probably your Sunday School teacher too) is lurking somewhere in the club as well. Not that you would ever…do…that. Ahem.

The sense of anonymity that living in a city like DC or NY affords you can sometimes be alienating and often lets you get away with things you otherwise might not think about if your momma was watching. In Lagos, your momma is always watching. Don’t be freaked out by the Orwellian freakiness of it all. I promise you, on most days, it is oddly comforting.

“Fat-titude”

I constantly wonder how everyone in this town is not morbidly obese. I understand that a lot of people here are “healthy” or “big-boned” or “plumpy” (yes, “plumpy”) but you seldom ever get those types you see in the US: the knees-can-barely-support-their-girth, buy-two-seats-on-an-airplane, oh-God-please-tell-me-he’s-not-sitting-next-to-me mammoth types. The only reason that the absence of these characters confounds me is because all anyone eats in this place is carbohydrates. Doughnut and sausage roll for breakfast, fried rice and chicken with a side of moin-moin and spaghetti for lunch and pounded yam and egusi soup to round things off nicely at dinner. And what makes it even worse (read: awesome!) is the fact that the food is dirt-cheap. At my local buhka, you can procure for yourself a feast fit for an average-sized village at lunch time for as little as N500 (and this is factoring in the buhka’s Victoria Island rent). That’s a whopping $3 + change on the more expensive part of town. If I wanted to get me a sad, sorry sandwich or a leafy little salad from Corner Bakery in DC at lunchtime, I was looking at dropping at least $10 and to add insult to grave injury, I was hungry again by home-time. I was also a dress-size smaller, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s the perfect sanctuary for my kind; members of the Fatty/Cheapskate Persuasion.

“Bedside Assistance”

I love the fact that, in Lagos, if you play your cards right, aside from the occasional forays from your room to wash and feed, you really never have to leave your bed. A resourceful cat in this town can have everything done for them and brought to them at, at worst, a very minimal fee. Now, I’m not talking about your househelps or cooks or washmen (who are awesome, by the way). I’m talking about the phenomenon of “I got a guy”. You need foreign exchange but don’t have time to leave the office? I got a guy. You need to buy fabric but it’s your driver’s day off? I got a guy. You need to get your eyebrows done but are too tired to get dressed? I got a guy. You need to get your hair braided in your pajamas at 2am? I got a guy. People say we don’t have a customer-oriented society here but I beg to differ; it really all just depends on the service you need provided. Everything on your time, at your convenience and best of all, in your house.

It’s a random list for sure, but I guess it shows you what’s most important to me in life; my momma, my food and my bed.

Haggling!

Oh! What! Joy!

You know what? If I was going to choose 5 favorite things about being in Naija, haggle-able prices would be among the top three. It gives you so much freedom. I hop a cab home from work, every single day. The 15-minute trip is always done against traffic; I don't pay more than N700.00, and that only happens when I'm feeling generous. Do you have any idea how painful it was to sit in traffic in a taxi in Chicago, and watch the fare meter count on, even though the cab had only moved an one mile in 10 minutes? It's rocks to be able to price the taxi.

What I've realized, especially with taxi drivers, is that things are not always as they seem. Taxi drivers, for example, will try to charge you for whatever traffic they may get into after dropping you off, not regarding that you're not in the car with them at the time. Bollocks abi?! My sentiments exactly! I remember a friend of mine, who lives in Ajah and works in VI, telling me about her taxi experiences when she first moved back. She would hail a cab, and the driver would ask her to pay N2,500. She would then smile and ask to pay N2,200 instead, thinking she was getting a bargain. Now, she doesn't pay more than N1,200 and that only happens when she's in a good mood. Lol.

Anyways, here are a few things I've learned:

1. Know the town- be familiar with basic costs, and even when you're not sure, don't let that uncertainty be obvious. The traders will notice it, and use it to their advantage.
   
   
   
2. Consider your options - you think it's cool to shop at Park & Shop, but you have a budget. Well, not all markets are rowdy. Truth is, you can save an average of at least N50 on every item, if you go to Sura/Sandgrouse, instead of SuperMega.
   
   
3. Get a customer - there are a few perks that come with going to the same person all the time. You get discounts even before you ask; you get fi si (extras); and with some items like fresh fish, your customer may spoil you with deliveries :D
   
   
4. Speak vernacular, or at least pidgin - Each word you spray at the trader/taxi driver hikes up your price by like N50. I don't understand the mentality, but an 'assorted' accent somehow translates to having overflowing pockets. It confuses me too, but I make sure to remain on the same 'level' as whoever I'm haggling prices with. It let's them know that I cannot be gbaju-ed (cheated).
   
   
5. Shakara - When you've named your price and it receives some head-shaking, start walking away, slowly but with determination. It lets them know that you have options, and you are ready to use them. More often than not, you will hear "Oya come and take it. I am only doing customer for you o, so you will come back next time", before you walk too far away.
   
   
6. Don't feel bad - This morning, I stopped at the market to pick up some things I needed for tomorrow. I asked the woman for Styrofoam packs, and she said I would pay N1000 for 100 white ones. She was so aggressive. It was obvious that she was anxious to make her first sale of the day, but it didn't feel right - they weren't supposed to be that expensive. I went a few stalls down and found a woman with a wider variety; she told me a pack of 100 blue ones was N700. Just imagine that! The truth is that these people will always try to squeeze a little more than necessary out of your pocket. Even when you ask for a price cut, they've prepared for it - i.e. Wholesale price of a crate of eggs could be as little as N550. The trader then puts on transportation, 'labor', and pain and suffering, and it becomes N700, but she will sell it to you at N800. So, even when you knock the price down to N750, she's still happy.

Happy haggling

"Worry a little - A guy who's not intimidated by your fabulousity is one in a million..."

Ignore the title, it's not a rebuff of Isha's post - it's a fine-tuning . Isha, I feel you and agree with you for the most part. Some of my views are slightly different though. I wish I had time to really expound this post as much as I want to, but I need to post in time or never. :D Plus, I just realized that in 20 days, it'll be a YEAR since my last post! Can't let that atrocity happen!

PREAMBLE

So I just had this same discussion with someone last night. Her problem was Yoruba guys and how they want someone who will cower in their presence, who is nothing without them...y'know the whole OLORI-ORI (literally, owner of my head, my crown) me thing. She's right - for all Nigerians really. At least, as far as today's society goes.

Simple facts of life in today's world (particularly Nigeria):

1. Men are to be bread-winners. Men are wired to be a cover, a provider. That's why society says to the jobless man, "How will you take care of your wife?" It shakes its head in disapproval when the woman's taking care of the family (in the presence of a man).

2. Women "look up," men "look down." Men and women of the same age are offset. It's rooted in this fact: women develop faster than men - phsychologically, physiologically, socially and mentally. That's why many women marry older guys and many men marry younger women.

3. Per society, between a man and a woman, leadership in these developmental traits generally come with educational/material leadership. Consequently, a woman who's done her masters (in one HARD major) and is earning a high paying job is considered to have achieved a LOT more than a man of the same status. It's just what it is.

I assume y'all would agree with the facts.

THE KOKO

It's important to note that the whole intimidation thing really depends on the kind of guy. The ones you don't want (like the gold-diggerish one or the super-rich-just-want-you-for-pleasure one) obviously won't really send your achievements.

But we're talking about the one that you want. There are a few guys that have learnt not to be intimidated, but they're few and far between. Like Isha said, if you're objective enough, it's easy to see how the kind of guy you'd want to approach you is likely to be intimidated especially if he thinks you stack up too well against him - whether you agree or not.

For you, he's successful enough for you to be interested in him. In fact, chances are you believe he has the capacity to outperform his present self...and you...and that's part of why you like him.

For him, he's not successful enough to keep that interest or give you the life he wants for you. He also fears you'll be carried away by the 100 "more eligible" guys that are always blazing your phone.

For his own sake, he just needs to be able to impress you, afford to take you out or at the very least feel needed by you (financial or otherwise). Because that's how he's wired.

PEP

With all this said, I don't think it's so much about whether a woman is super-educated or she's making mad dough. I think it's more about the way she handles those things and carries herself.

So if you keep meeting guys who are intimidated by your significant achievements, you will definitely have to find a way to ensure they're not so all-up-in-his-face that he's too intimidated to come talk to/ hang out with you.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying downplay yours, but you NEED to give a brother a confidence boost. "Up-play" his own achievements. Find and magnify his other strengths that you admire. I mean, for many a guy, he must have expended 80% of his confidence to come and talk to you in the first place. LoL!

Obviously, Isha's aunt's carrying it too far to ask that a woman dumb-down. In fact, that's archaic thought; but she old, so we pardon her. But it's just what guys are. It's just what society is. So if you're super-educated and following that whole American "I'm young, fly, independent, grown, sexy, don't need a man," then be prepared to NOT have a decent man.

All I'm saying is this: In this game of dating/marriage, there are rules. And to be in the game, you MUST play by its rules.

My Next Post: Will address why you should give yourself some time and stop putting unnecessary pressure about single-ninity.

"Don't worry a guy who's not intimidated by your fabulousity will come around"

Long before I called Mother and told her I was ready to come home, she'd been luring me back to Nigeria by talking about all the amazing eligible bachelors in Lagos waiting to sweep me off my feet. This, of course, was not the reason I decided to move back. Oh, puh-lease, I coulda had whatever man I wanted in the US; I just didn't bother myself with petty things like ... dating/relationships. I moved back solely because I was interested in the career opportunities available for a young female Electrical Engineer, in Nigeria. *clears throat*. Now though, I think that because my job doesn't occupy enough of my time, I've been 'reflecting' and come to the realization that ... Mama lied! Ok, well not really; She didn't have the full picture. Plus, she's VERY happily married, and has been since last century; what would she know about the present 'dating industry'?

Anyway, I've been a bonafide Lagosian for the last 20 months, and I'm still waiting to be swept off my feet. I am not saying that this is the experience of all those who have moved back, but a good number of my 'returnee' friends are still single. I've been trying to understand the situation - there are many grey areas.

Initially, it was solely my fault - I wasn't getting out enough, not meeting enough people, not wearing enough makeup, always wearing flats instead of heels, not paying enough attention to my appearance, etc. The most shocking of these my alleged faults was that I always 'flaunted' my intelligence, and spoke proudly of my academic/professional/career achievements and aspirations. What?! That's a bad thing?! "Yes dear", replied an auntie on one occasion, "you're too manly - proud electrical engineer, with too many career expectations. Nice, responsible, deserving men would be intimidated and would stay away. They would feel like you don't need them". Oh, excuuuse me! So, what's a girl supposed to do? Play dumb because it'd make a man more comfortable. No, thank you. It's not that serious. (I resent that bit about being manly though - has she seen my jugs?!)

The average marriage age of Nigerian women is increasing. That's not a bad thing, from a feminist's P.O.V., since it's mostly because more women are becoming career oriented, and what not. But, we need to stop giving these phantom reasons for not dating. You are single because that's just what it is - You're single! In fact, you are probably lonely, and sometimes wishing there was someone to call and talk with after a long day, or share that box of pizza with. I don't understand how the woman who's chatting with a friend on her BB-bought-by-Mugu1, with BIS-paid-for-by-Mugu2 can talk about a guy who's intimidated by her successes.

Maybe I need to spend some money and do some 'restructuring' in my closet. I definitely know that I need to get out more. I acknowledge that there are some things with respect to my lifestyle that I can do differently, to 'expose' myself to dating opportunities. I'm just confused about the whole intimidation thing. It's in two parts I.M.O.:

1. I think it's just clear that someone who's not comfortable with a woman's assertive personality (if that is what she has) is obviously not the one for her. Simple.
   
   
   
2. It's an unfair generalization for a woman to say that men don't approach her because they're intimidated. It may be that she has a terrible B.O., for example. *snickers*
   

In preaching equality of the sexes, it also follows, in my understanding, that if a woman doesn't stand to be intimidated by a man's successes, women shouldn't make this a poster-board situation either. I anticipate a lot of disagreement on this issue, because arguments can be made with respect to the man being ordained as the head of the marital relationship, the man's ego, etc. Women don't have egos? They don't have a solid position in the marital relationship?

It may seem like I'm bashing the sisterhood, but we sometimes need to be objective. Yes, there are men who avoid women with more successful careers. There are also women who need to get off their high horses. Makes sense?

(I could use some plantain chips right now...)

Cha-ching, No Scrubs Allowed

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

This is the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and it pretty much sums up the entire plot. In real terms, the reverse is true. The female characters in the book are concerned with the pursuit and acquisition of “single men in possession of a good fortune”. This was nineteenth-century English society. A single woman's options were quite limited so it would make sense that she would be desperate for a husband that could offer some social advantage.

Isn't it funny that in our own society today, even after the feminist movement, Jane Austen's words still hold true? People are very focused on money. Men have to be be affluent if they ever hope to get married which is why most men have this “I can't get married because I’m not rich” attitude. I am by no means saying that people should not be concerned about finances when looking at a potential life partner but I think people really miss the point of marriage and relationships.

Let's take it out of the context of marriage and talk about the dating scene (boyfriend/girlfriend). I actually feel a little sorry for Nigerian guys. I remember having a conversation with a friend and he was complaining about how he was too broke to afford a girlfriend. I was like "What is this dude talking about?". He went on to explain that there were too many expenses that came with 'toasting' a girl. Money for cinema trips, money for lunch and dinner, money in case she brings her friends, money for fuel to take her on miscellaneous errands and the one that always baffles me...money for her HAIR!

First of all. Who are these women and don't they have jobs? I originally assumed it was just a situation unique to dating a university girl but apparently not. It must be terrible for a brother in this age of 'Brazilian' hair. He's probably looking at spending 77k plus the 3500 it takes to fix the weave. I find it rather unfortunate. Why should my man be saddled with the responsibility of making sure my hair looks hot?

Now on to the car. If you are a Naija guy trying to get a girlfriend and you have no car, my heart goes out to you. Your options are pretty limited. I understand this to a certain extent because of the way Lagos is structured. The transportation system is appalling and getting around is generally frustrating with the traffic and all. Its easier to date a girl if you can pick her up and take her back to her house when your date is over. Ain't nobody tryna get public transport after 10pm! I however do not think that women should use their boyfriend’s car as an on-call taxi service for she and her friends.

So lets say you are dating a girl and you take her out for a meal. It is only in a Nollywood movie that a guy can get away with taking his date to TFC and Mr Biggs. Its going to have to be somewhere swanky and you are paying for the whole shebang...eyah poor you (lol). A guy paying for dinner still makes more sense to me than the hair issue.

I guess the point of all this is simply “Isn't it just polite to offer to pay half the bill when you go out for dinner with a guy?” Or am I the one who is weird? I went out for lunch with a friend last week and although it wasn't a date he paid for the food. Then we got to the cinema and I brought out money to pay for the tickets and he said "what are you doing?!" To which I simply replied "Paying for the tickets". He was impressed that I wanted to pay for something but really, what's there to be impressed by? In my opinion it is just the decent thing to do. Relationships irrespective of whether they are romantic or not should be symbiotic. If the other person insists on paying then fine but it should not be automatically expected. One must not aim to be a ‘taker’ all the time.

Women have more options now and some women earn more money than their male counterparts. I think it gives men permission to treat a woman badly if she is always seen to be asking for financial support especially when you are not even married. Forget about the stay-at-home mom, THAT IS A JOB! But generally if a person is contributing all the money in a marriage then it gives said person the controlling power. Lets say you reach an impasse during a discussion about which school your kid is going to attend or some other important decision, the phrase “Is it your money?’ comes to mind.

Anyway most of these women know there are guys who would never stand for it so they target the mugu who doesn’t mind having a liability on his arm. I think it is pretty selfish for a woman to be dating a guy with the same salary grade and then burden him with the responsibility of paying for everything. If it is an aristo (sugar daddy) situation then yes…I guess that’s what the deal is. I accept that in the Nigerian culture, the man is seen to be the provider and thus responsible for a lot more. A man may feel like he is not a ‘real man’ if his wife is constantly trying to contribute financially. However, some ladies really need to stop taking the piss and pay for your own damn hair!

Please I would really appreciate some feedback on this in case I am the one who needs to get with the programme. Sorry about being MIA for so long.

Disclaimer: To my future husband. You are not allowed to hold this as evidence against me. Your money is OUR money and my money is MY money. I will contribute some and promise not to spend yours on designer handbags. Got it?